Conversation With Adam

I’m nervously watching my Facebook today to see if the stolen data notice pops up. In the meantime, memories like these are why it’s so hard to think about leaving. From a few years back:

Adam: Ugh, everything’s terrible.
Me: I’m gonna fix it for you.
Adam: How?
Me: I’m gonna draw a dick on your forehead.
Adam: And that will solve my problem how?
Me: Perspective! Once you have a dick on your forehead, you’ll be, like, “Wow, I didn’t know easy I had it before I had a dick on my forehead.”
Adam: You’re the meanest lady I know.
Me: “Those were the days. The days when my forehead was dickfree.”
Adam: I’m sorry I cleaned your belt with saddle soap today.
Me: Aw, don’t feel bad. Because then, you see, you’ll find out that I drew the dick in washable ink. And you’ll feel so happy! It’ll be like that scene in “Fight Club,” only without the fear of death.
Adam: Are you on drugs?

Also here’s a cat that looks like the Punisher:

OK, fine, it’s Photoshopped. But technology should be used for *nice* things is my point.

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Let’s All Throw Facebook Into the Ocean

I spend at least an hour a day on Facebook, and I’m probably not going to stop. So don’t take this post as any indication that I’m going to change my ways. I’m not here to lie to you.

That said, can we agree that Facebook is the best worst? Leave aside for the moment that it was apparently used by a foreign power to sway the election. I’m almost as concerned about the fact that it makes me into a crazy person who thinks she can persuade people to change their minds — something that’s nearly impossible to do under the best of circumstances.

If I had a nickel for every stupid fight I’ve gotten into on Facebook, I’d have at least one very grimy dollar. And I’m a non-confrontational person. Generally my feeling about personal disagreements in real life is, “Meh, I’m tired.” When a fight breaks out on Facebook, however, I’m all:

wrong

This is clearly a sign of insanity. And yet there’s something about Facebook that brings out the worst in me and just about everyone I know. I’ve had fights with people on Facebook in which we’re both on the same side of the argument, and yet still become mortal enemies by the end of the thread. Sort of like this:

Me: I want to like oranges, but the white stringy parts creep me out.

Beloved Friend of Over 20 Years: I agree! Oranges are the worst!

Me: Well, I mean, the orange part is good. I could just do without the surprise flossing.

Friend: Right? Oranges are gross.

Me: WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME? I BET YOU VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

And scene.

Again, in real life, I would never behave this way. But all forums and social networks make it easier to hide behind a wall of code. It’s not even necessarily Facebook’s fault, except that I suspect they tweak the algorithm to make sure we see stuff that will enrage us, so that we’ll interact more with the site. But probably any social site that I visited every day would turn into the same thing.

Except Instagram, which is apparently full of ladies’ butts. At least, that’s what I’m getting from my followers’ list.

Images: someecards; Massimo Barbieri/Flickr

My Facebook Feed Hates America

So, you might have heard that Sunday was a pretty good news day.

The 24-hour news cycle being what it is, I figured we’d probably start seeing backlash sometime tonight. I was maybe a little naive, at least as far as Facebook goes. (And if it doesn’t happen on Facebook, does it really happen at all? Ha, ha, sob.)

Going by my Facebook news feed, it seems that people are pretty evenly divided into three camps:

1) Elation. Full disclosure, this is my camp. I actually saw a video last night of people chanting “USA! USA!” in a stadium and didn’t think they looked like they were at some creepy Soviet rally circa 1950.

2) Conspiracy theory. These are people who hate good news. Mostly, the popular story seems to be that we killed Bin Laden’s double, or something. This is so bananas, I don’t even know what to do with it. How do you argue with a person who thinks that the most complicated version of history must be right? I think the only thing to do is to suggest they stay away from TV and movies for a month. Maybe all forms of narrative storytelling. Because clearly, someone wants a twist ending.

3) Weirdly displaced grief. OK, OK, I get that it’s weird to celebrate a person’s death. I understand that it’s not the spiritually evolved stance to take. But maybe let’s not pretend that we killed Bambi’s mom. This was a mass murderer of innocent men, women, and children. Maybe Jesus and the Buddha wouldn’t have been as totally psyched as I am right now, but last time I checked, I wasn’t Jesus or the Buddha, so … whee!

Also, for those of you who were wondering, Sgt. Lucky and I totally danced around the apartment to the Ewok Celebration song last night when we heard the news.

A Very Monday Monday

This was one of the worst Mondays in recent memory – not for me, so much. For all of you.

I can tell this, because Facebook and Twitter told me so. Here’s a random sampling of sad, sad (oh so sad, very sad) status updates from around my personal network today:

Marc L: What’s the one business Warren Buffet would never buy into? Mine. (Thanks, Buffie!)

David M: Someone smeared Vaseline on my Monday.

Meghan H-B: Didn’t know dogs could get bronchitis.

The Puppy Tax

Lazy blogging, I know, but I’ve never gotten 18 comments on a Facebook status, and I am nerdily proud of it:

Status: Jen’s new favorite thing is to say, “I cannot wait til Obama fixes _____.” It works for everything!

Jen Hubley at 4:32pm November 6
For example, “I cannot wait until Obama makes there be more Diet Coke in the machine.” Or: “I cannot wait until Obama makes beer that works as a diet aid.” Etc.

Shannon at 4:32pm November 6
Seriously?

Jen Hubley at 4:34pm November 6
Think of it as some gentle self-satire. 😉

Shannon at 4:34pm November 6
You are too funny (;

Julia at 4:37pm November 6
I cannot wait until Obama makes rainbows happen ev-er-y day!

Jen Hubley at 4:38pm November 6
I cannot wait until Obama buys a puppy, not just for his own kids, but for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE OF US.

Julia at 4:40pm November 6
That’s totally socialism, lady. Redistribution of puppies is not cool.

Jen Hubley at 4:41pm November 6
I cannot wait until Obama takes puppies from people who have TOO MANY puppies, and gives them to those of us who have TOO FEW.

Julia at 4:43pm November 6
I earned my puppies. My right to own all my puppies is in the constitution. You’ll have to pry my puppies out of my cold, dead hands.

Jen Hubley at 4:45pm November 6
FINE. Then we will tax your puppies. Prepare to pay the Puppy Tax!

I’m Actually Surprisingly Bad at Scrabble

Facebook has this excellent thing called Scrabulous, which lets you play Scrabble with all your internet friends. Most of my internet friends are writerly, so I spend a lot of my time getting my ass kicked. For example, I am currently losing four games.

Scrabble also has a message function, via which I just had the following conversation:

Jen H: everyone is raping me at scrabble today

Ross P: so many things in one sentence! aargh!