Conversation With Adam

I’m nervously watching my Facebook today to see if the stolen data notice pops up. In the meantime, memories like these are why it’s so hard to think about leaving. From a few years back:

Adam: Ugh, everything’s terrible.
Me: I’m gonna fix it for you.
Adam: How?
Me: I’m gonna draw a dick on your forehead.
Adam: And that will solve my problem how?
Me: Perspective! Once you have a dick on your forehead, you’ll be, like, “Wow, I didn’t know easy I had it before I had a dick on my forehead.”
Adam: You’re the meanest lady I know.
Me: “Those were the days. The days when my forehead was dickfree.”
Adam: I’m sorry I cleaned your belt with saddle soap today.
Me: Aw, don’t feel bad. Because then, you see, you’ll find out that I drew the dick in washable ink. And you’ll feel so happy! It’ll be like that scene in “Fight Club,” only without the fear of death.
Adam: Are you on drugs?

Also here’s a cat that looks like the Punisher:

OK, fine, it’s Photoshopped. But technology should be used for *nice* things is my point.

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The White Rabbit

If you want to see me really flip out, wait until I miss an appointment. It’ll be a long wait, because it doesn’t happen all that often. However, when it does, I lose human form and turn into a horrible shrieking weep-beast. So if that’s your favorite thing, hang around.

The weep-beast has made an appearance twice this year so far, at least, because I have all these physical therapy appointments, and it’s hard to keep track of them on top of my work-related stuff. I’ve been pretty good, but I did miss an appointment a few months back, because we picked an earlier time than usual, and I spaced, and then one day, I was 20 minutes late because of traffic.

So Monday, when I missed my appointment, it was either my second or third time missing, depending on how you feel about extreme lateness. Thank God Adam was home, otherwise, I think I would have gone back to bed for the day and called it a wash.

“I have a suggestion,” he said, after I stopped doing my Don Music impression. “Why don’t you ask them to give you the same time, on the same days, as much as they can? Because it seems like you only miss when you have a weird appointment time.”

I stopped gnashing my teeth and stared at him.

“They keep giving you all these odd appointment times,” he explained patiently, mistaking my catatonia for incomprehension. “And I just think–”

“No, no, I get it,” I said. “I’m just wondering why I never thought of that.”

“Well, beating yourself up is a full-time job.”

Reason #427 to get married: perspective from a smart person.

"I'm late! I'm late!"
“I’m late! I’m late!”

Image: dullhunk/Flickr

The Mind Meld Is Complete

So here is a thing that actually happened.

This morning, I woke up and had a vague memory of having a nightmare during the night. I think it stuck to my brain mainly because Adam had to wake me up and calm me down. While I was drifting back to sleep, I remembered what I’d dreamed, and thought, “Ha, that’s funny. My mind is now squishing together all of my favorite TV shows while I’m sleeping.”

When I woke up, I texted Adam, who was up and about much earlier. “Do you remember me having a nightmare?” I asked. “I think I dreamed about zombie Parks and Recreation.”

A few minutes later, he burst into the apartment, holding his phone up and pointing to my text. “Are you serious about this?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Because I had a dream about zombie Parks and Recreation. Ron Swanson pinned a zombie with a crowbar and was trying to stab it in the head with a hunting knife.”

“WHOA. That is way more interesting than my dream. Mine was just … oh, look, it’s Parks and Recreation, but with zombies. Although, sadly, I think in my dream the Parks world was real life. Which probably tells you something about my obsession with that show.”

“Do you think we talked about it?” he asked. “Like, did you tell me about your dream and then I started having the same dream?”

“No, I don’t think so,” I said. “I think maybe we’re in the same sleep space now, headwise, and we’re just going to become Voltron — we’ll fold up together and become Robot Jendam and take over the world.”

“Well, OK. I’m fine with that.”

Image: Awkward Moments in Pause

Scene from a Marriage

Adam and I will be married a year next Sunday, which means that I will now subject you all to yet another post explaining how lucky I am to be married to him. (This is appropriate, since, having taken his last name, I am now officially Lucky myself.)

Last night I was sad. I had the PMS, I was feeling blue about some friends who are having woes of their own, and I was reading A Moveable Feast, which, while a great book, is tough to take.

“It’s just that Hemingway had all this love,” I explained to Adam. “And he wasted all of it.”

He’d asked why I was sniffling. We were in bed, about to go to sleep. “So what?” he asked. “Stupid of him.”

“Or maybe just careless,” I said. “Everyone is careless. It is stupid. But it’s also terrifying.”

“Not us,” he said, into my shoulder. He raised his chin and looked me in the eyes. Of his many beautiful features, his eyes might be the winner. They’re big and brown and always a little sad, even when he’s joking around. Which he wasn’t. I thought.

“No,” I said. “Not us.”

He stroked my hair. “There’s only one thing to do.”

“?”

“We must find the anteater.”

I covered my nose instinctively. “Oh no. Oh no, surely not.”

“Yes, I’m afraid so.” He leaned in toward my nose and stuck out his tongue. “We must find the anteater and utilize his skills at rootling out problems.”

“NO! NO ANTEATERS IN MY NOSE!”

“No? Well, that’s a shame. It’s the quickest way in. But I guess he can just go in through this ear…”

It’s very difficult to be gloomy when someone claiming to be an anteater is trying to stick his tongue in your nose and ears.

Image: Artisticdoom.com

For Some Reason, My Period Is Always a Surprise

So, I thought I was going to have to go back on antidepressants, but then it turned out I was just getting my period.

This happens to me every month, because despite having had my period for 25 years, it always comes as a shock to me. I think this must be related to that mechanism that makes ladies forget about the pain of childbirth right after they have the baby. Because if I remembered how bananas I get every month when it wasn’t my extra-special lady time, I’d lock myself in the barn ahead of the game, and wait out the changes with the werewolves.

Adam does not forget that I’m about to get my period, because he was in the gifted and talented program as a child, and learned to dodge bullets in the Marine Corps. So the way I tell I’m about to get my period now is, I wait until Adam starts being really, really nice to me. And then I check the calendar. It never ever fails.

Image: Cheezburger

Things Sgt. Lucky Said While Viewing the American Apparel Photo Spread, “It’s Pantytime!”

First of all, in case you were unfamiliar, there’s this company called American Apparel and they sell clothing and also take pictures of amateur models who are probably legal, but don’t look like it. They also have some fairly well-documented financial problems, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that my husband is funny.

Here are some things that he said while viewing “It’s Pantytime!

1. “That is a 12-year-old.”

2. “That is a pair of fake lesbians in complementary panties.”

3. “Nipple! No seriously, there’s a nipple. Also, maybe vagina, but I’m not sure. It could be a shadow.”

4. “Oh! Oh, Jen. There’s a little more than a month left of summer. Would you buy me some gold foil pants?”

5. “And, of course, corduroy shorts. Because when I want to keep my legs and balls cool, I think corduroy.”

6. “That’s a ten-year-old girl and we are now going to jail.”

7. “Oh, look! A rapist!”

8. “That is a butt.”

9. “That is a butt. And maybe … yes, yes, I see a tiny piece of chocha!”

10. “That is a small child who has taken cocaine. Do we have a number we can call for this?”

11. “That is a very interesting pose and I’m not sure what’s going on here or whether or not I like it. Moving on.”

12. “That is just a nipple and it is out. I mean, look. There’s not even any sheer anything over it. It’s just a nipple, uncovered, for free, on the internet. How is this not porn?”

13. “Well, I’ll tell you: It is porn. And as long as these girls are legal, I hope this company never, ever goes out of business.”

14. “Vagina! I totally saw vagina.”

15. “There is a girl with freckles and also nipples and she is wearing very little clothing.”

16. “Pubey dude with visible pubes. And he’s not even making those underpants look like they’re comfortable. He is a terrible model.”

17. “This guy … hangs to the right.”

18. “Here is a girl taking a bath in her panties and also her bra. I’m not sure why. Maybe there’s vodka in that shampoo bottle.”

19. “Picking her ass, or showing us her vagina? Picking her ass, or showing us her vagina? Maybe it started out as one and then turned into the other.”

20. “That is a crotch, from a very odd angle. I’m worried about her neck.”

Wisdom Through Noir-Inspired Video Games

I spent part of this evening watching Sgt. Lucky play L.A. Noire, which I could have sworn was a movie at one point, but I was wrong.

At one point in the game, one of the detectives discovers a body with tracks in his arm, and says something to the effect of, “Guess that was bound to happen anyway.”

I turned to Sgt. Lucky and said, “I’m really glad I’ve lived my life in such a way that no one would ever stand over my body and say something like that.”

Really: That knowledge, and clean underpants. Together, they’re better than a clean conscience and Ambien for getting a girl to sleep at night. Just kidding! Nothing’s better than Ambien.