Spineless Movement and a Wild Attack

So, there are these people who believe that the Rapture is going to happen this weekend, and while I am not one of them, reading Maud Newton’s excellent essay at the Awl made me realize that part of me thinks it has to happen, because it’d make such a good story.

I tend to think this way about a lot of things. Give me a totally implausible scenario — zombie apocalypse, the Rapture, any kind of government-engineered weaponized plague — and my response will be, “OK, probably not. But what if…”

You might ask, “Hey, if you think it’s at all possible that the Rapture’s going to happen on Saturday, why don’t you just become super religious for, like, the next 48 hours?”

Well, I’ll tell you. I’d consider it, but for three reasons:

1) Nah.
2) How dumb do you think Jesus is, to be fooled by that kind of last-minute conversion?
3) Sgt. Lucky is an atheist.

I don’t believe anything’s going to happen on Saturday, but he really doesn’t believe anything’s going to happen on Saturday. To Sgt. Lucky, this whole conversation is like suggesting that the Smurfs are going to ride over on unicorns on Saturday to play poker with us and Santa Claus. And if he’s not going anywhere, I’m for sure not going anywhere. Reminds me of the Dashiell Hammett quote about Lillian Hellman: “A bed without Lily ain’t no bed.”

So I will be drinking beer with the other heathens on Saturday. Possibly waiting to loot your houses, the better to enjoy our last six months before the real end times kick in.

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