Things Sgt. Lucky Said While Viewing the American Apparel Photo Spread, “It’s Pantytime!”

First of all, in case you were unfamiliar, there’s this company called American Apparel and they sell clothing and also take pictures of amateur models who are probably legal, but don’t look like it. They also have some fairly well-documented financial problems, but that’s not what’s important here. What’s important is that my husband is funny.

Here are some things that he said while viewing “It’s Pantytime!

1. “That is a 12-year-old.”

2. “That is a pair of fake lesbians in complementary panties.”

3. “Nipple! No seriously, there’s a nipple. Also, maybe vagina, but I’m not sure. It could be a shadow.”

4. “Oh! Oh, Jen. There’s a little more than a month left of summer. Would you buy me some gold foil pants?”

5. “And, of course, corduroy shorts. Because when I want to keep my legs and balls cool, I think corduroy.”

6. “That’s a ten-year-old girl and we are now going to jail.”

7. “Oh, look! A rapist!”

8. “That is a butt.”

9. “That is a butt. And maybe … yes, yes, I see a tiny piece of chocha!”

10. “That is a small child who has taken cocaine. Do we have a number we can call for this?”

11. “That is a very interesting pose and I’m not sure what’s going on here or whether or not I like it. Moving on.”

12. “That is just a nipple and it is out. I mean, look. There’s not even any sheer anything over it. It’s just a nipple, uncovered, for free, on the internet. How is this not porn?”

13. “Well, I’ll tell you: It is porn. And as long as these girls are legal, I hope this company never, ever goes out of business.”

14. “Vagina! I totally saw vagina.”

15. “There is a girl with freckles and also nipples and she is wearing very little clothing.”

16. “Pubey dude with visible pubes. And he’s not even making those underpants look like they’re comfortable. He is a terrible model.”

17. “This guy … hangs to the right.”

18. “Here is a girl taking a bath in her panties and also her bra. I’m not sure why. Maybe there’s vodka in that shampoo bottle.”

19. “Picking her ass, or showing us her vagina? Picking her ass, or showing us her vagina? Maybe it started out as one and then turned into the other.”

20. “That is a crotch, from a very odd angle. I’m worried about her neck.”

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