In October 2011, I got laid off. It was a department-wide layoff, and I was definitely the most excited person in the room. I was doing math while HR spoke to us about not coming back to the office drunk and kicking over desks. By the end of the HR director’s Office Space routine, I’dContinue reading “What It’s Like to Apply for Health Insurance in 2013”
If you want to see me really flip out, wait until I miss an appointment. It’ll be a long wait, because it doesn’t happen all that often. However, when it does, I lose human form and turn into a horrible shrieking weep-beast. So if that’s your favorite thing, hang around. The weep-beast has made anContinue reading “The White Rabbit”
My grandmother used to say, “You were the most nervous baby I’ve ever seen.” My grandmother (who was a ferocious and elegant 90-pound lady, like Lillian Hellman and Lauren Bacall had a baby and dressed it in tasteful separates and a hair helmet, and oh God, I miss her so much) looked concerned when sheContinue reading “My Life With Anxiety: When the Lion Is in the Room”
I’m thinking eastern Europe is responsible. No, hear me out.
There’s a scale at my folks’ house, but it’s so inaccurate, my parents set it to minus five pounds to make up the difference. The issue is that my dad is six feet tall and strapping, and my mom is so small, she could make a matchbox her bed. The end result is that theContinue reading “Day 24 of the Fast Metabolism Diet: I Have No Idea What I Weigh Now”
Let me tell you, there ain’t no hangover like a cheese and wheat hangover. Yikes.
Our neighbors are having some work done on their yard. In New York, this means getting a jackhammer and prying up the old ’70s-era concrete and putting down Italian paving stones or whatever your favorite overpriced glossy home improvement magazine tells you that you should have in your multimillion-dollar yard. I couldn’t care less, exceptContinue reading “Good Fences”
The trouble with being a hypochondriac is that I, like all pessimists, am eventually doomed to be right.
This morning, I awoke to find that a cockroach had crawled out of our sheets and was sitting on the pillow next to me, like Gregor Samsa taking a nap. For a minute, I thought that Adam had had an existential crisis during the night. Then I remembered that he’d left before dawn for aContinue reading “Die Verwandlung”
Me: It turns out, all of our food is made out of corn syrup and genetically modified crops. Adam: So? Me: It makes me nervous, is all. I feel like we’re safer with food that’s more like what our ancestors would have eaten. So … get ready for venison and a pile of greens, IContinue reading “Healthy Eating With the Luckwaldts”