Recently, like everyone else on earth, I have been sicker than I’ve ever been before.
It started out a month ago with the flu, which turned into bronchitis. Then I went to get my allergy shots, had a weirdo reaction and wound up with a giant arm. This was bad, because it looked like one side of my body had gained 60 pounds and because I couldn’t put on my shirts, but it was good because I got to complain about it almost constantly. Complaining, as you know, is my favorite hobby.
Here’s an example.
Me: Wanna see something gross?
Coworker Mads: No.
Me: OK, lookit.
Coworker Mads: Ew! What’s wrong with your arm?
Me: It’s giant. It’s a giant arm. Look, this part is red and scaly, too.
Finally, Mads convinced me to call my doctor, who prescribed prednisone, which made my arm go back to normal, but brought back my chest infection. So now I’m sick again.
At least I still have things to complain about.
1) I don’t have a cracked tooth.
2) I don’t have a giant tumor behind my eye.
3) I do have a sinus infection.
Of the three, the last option is probably best, but hoo boy, am I in pain. I’m blaming, at least partially, the stress of the last few days before the election. I seriously, seriously might not make it. I have no idea how Obama and McCain are anything but completely shattered with nerves. Perhaps this is why nervous little characters like me don’t run for office.
But seriously, seriously, and I’ve never been more serious: I need good news, people. The past few months have been a whirlwind of broken hearts and minor physical ailments, and while none of that equals brain tumors or Darfur, I could still use a boost.
I have this theory, actually, that my sinuses will clear up immediately if Obama wins. If this happens, I will naturally lobby to have it declared a miracle by some church or other – the Church of Bob, if necessary.
But possibly crazy-related. I had my first migraine in over a year on Friday.
For some reason, getting a migraine always makes me feel a little nutty. This is possibly because no one seems to understand entirely why people get them or how they work, or it’s possibly because I have a bizarre neurosis in which I feel that illness is actually my body’s way of telling me that I am WEAK, WEAK, WEAK.
The weirdest thing about my migraines is that they’re always preceded by a day or two of smelling garbage. It’s like Hallorann’s harbinger in The Shining, except that instead of preceding awesome psychic insights that save the lives of women and children, mine precedes a headache, which is awesome only in the sense that it inspires awe, and also temporary paralysis due to pain, and occasionally vomiting.
Here’s another problem: if you live in New York, and it’s not the dead middle of winter, you’re probably smelling garbage anyway. So it’s not like I actually get a warning anymore.
What should the word “lurp” mean? This question has a purpose. I can’t promise that my limited attention span will enable me to reveal that purpose, however.
I am recovering from my 47th cold of the winter, by the way. The first year I lived in New York, I was sick all the time just like this. That was because I wasn’t used to riding in the mobile petri dish that is the subway, and because my office was a big open area where everyone sneezed on each other all day. (For fun.)
Now, however, I suspect I’m sick because I’ve been traveling, so I can’t really complain. Traveling is fun! Honestly, having a cold isn’t so bad either. I secretly (OK, openly) enjoy having a slight cold, because it gives me an excuse to lie around my house and relax. The rest of the time, I have to wait until I have a hangover.
After sleeping much of the past two days, I am pleased to announce that I’m going to survive this cold. This is very exciting, because yesterday, when I couldn’t even really haul my laundry down the stairs, I was not at all sure.
I would like to say that I think it’s unfair that a person who spends as much money on vitamins and hand sanitizer as I do should ever get sick. It seems like all that crap should be Sick Insurance of a sort. But apparently no.
This weekend I went on a trip to Vermont, and because such a thing is apparently not allowed, I got the worst cold I have ever had. Really: It’s the worst one.
Symptoms of said cold:
1) Exhaustion, such that I had to pause whilst walking up the one flight of stairs to my apartment.
2) Sinus pain, pressure, and swelling, such that my glasses seemed to be floating over my face a wee cushion of distended nose-bridge.
3) Nose-runniness, such that I might as well cram a whole dang box of Puffs Plus up there and have done with it.
But mostly, I just feel gross. I’ve spent most of the day sleeping and the rest of the day complaining. The worst part is that I fought this bastard off for about a week before caving, leading me to believe that an extra vitamin C tablet at the right time might have spared me this.
Erg, blerg, back to bed.
This is where you need to go to get all those last-minute gifts on your list. You’re welcome.
In other news, I’m probably finally going to go to the cracker farm, because I’ve been cooped up in my apartment all weekend fighting with something that Ma Smash claims is the Norwalk virus. I thought that only happened to people on cruise ships. Anyway, it’s been pretty ugly around here.
Although the Hanukkah mobile just went by my house, so that’s cheerful. Have you seen this, fellow New Yorkers? It’s pretty awesome. This white camper with a huge mural of a menorah on it drives around, blaring music from loudspeakers. I’m thinking of getting one of these myself, only instead of celebrating a holiday, it will just play whatever I’m listening to on my iPod right now.