Healthy Eating With the Luckwaldts

Me: It turns out, all of our food is made out of corn syrup and genetically modified crops.

Adam: So?

Me: It makes me nervous, is all. I feel like we’re safer with food that’s more like what our ancestors would have eaten. So … get ready for venison and a pile of greens, I guess.

Adam: (Somewhat sarcastically, it must be said.) Yum!

Me: Don’t worry. I’m not going to get so crazy about this that I ruin eating. I’m just frustrated. Without resorting to killing, growing, and baking all our own food, I’m having a hard time finding us stuff that isn’t fake.

Adam: What’s the problem with the genetically modified stuff again?

Me: It causes cancer or something.

Adam: Says who?

Me: A bunch of people.

Adam: (Patiently.) There have been studies? With repeatable results?

Me: Yes. Yes. Maybe. Look, I have to look it up after dinner. In the meantime, I just want some food that’s made out of food. That’s all. Remember those sprouted grain rolls?

Adam: They were good.

Me: They were sweet! Like candy! Candy that makes you poop! I think the reason we’re getting so fat is because we don’t eat real stuff anymore. So we’re sort of frantically stuffing fake food down our pie chutes, trying to satisfy our hunger. The more fake crap we eat, the fatter we get. It’s hard not to see a correlation.

Adam: (Eating GMO-filled, corn syrupy bread with a look of great peace.)

Me: I’m not saying there’s definitely a causal relationship. I just wonder.

Adam: (Flashing the peace sign.) Whatever you say, hippie.

Me: All right, all right.

The joke’s on him, though, because I do the food shopping. Which means that we’ll eat whatever weird basement granola I decide to buy at the communist supermarket.

Image: Vaccineliberationarmy.com