Me: Happy almost birthday!
Ma Smash: (Sounding distracted.) Oh, thanks.
Me: Are you OK?
Ma Smash: Yes, well, yes. Yes, I’m fine.
Ma Smash: Oh, nothing! I just found a bug in my underpants.
Me: Um, what?
Ma Smash: (Speaking up, to overcome the hearing problem I don’t have.) A BUG. IN MY PANTS. AN UNDERPANTS BUG.
Me: Like … a …. what kind of bug, did you say?
Ma Smash: A horrible outside bug. With a million legs and huge, buggy eyes. It must have crawled into my pants when I was out on the porch. And it was looking at me, Jennie. That’s the worst part.
Me: How exactly do you know that?
Ma Smash: Oh, I know. I know. It was looking at me with it’s horrible buggy eyes, I could just tell. Also, now I’m worried that it took a bite out of my business.
Ma Smash: I probably have an albino labia now.
Ma Smash: Hello? Are you there? Are you going to blog this? I think you should. I think my two devoted fans deserve to know about the bug.
And so they do. (And for the record, I’m pretty sure there’s more than two.)
Happy birthday, Ma Smash!