Bed bugs are everywhere, makeup is full of nasty chemicals, and even sunscreen (maybe) causes cancer. What are we to do?

I have the solution. From now on, I will wear a radiation suit. This will keep away all bugs and harmful UV rays. Instead of makeup, I will place a flattering soft-pink filter over my face plate.

Perhaps I’ll wear mine to Fashion Week. It will give people something else to look at, besides PETA protesters and worn-down Louboutins.