Jennie Smash

Greetings, list-addicted internet perusers. If you live in America and have skin, you might have noticed that it’s effing hot out today.

I, of course, am lazing around in my underpants in front of the AC. But if you’re not lucky enough to live in a nude household and/or have an air conditioner, you’re probably wondering how you can achieve a similar level of sangfroid. Well, fear not. I live to serve you, my twelve loyal readers:

1) Steal an ice cream truck. This has been a childhood dream of mine for the entire 34 years that I’ve been a child (so far.) The truck itself is air conditioned, and once you steal it, you can have all the treats you want, for free! Let me know what that red, white, blue rocket thing is called, and how it tastes. I’ve always wanted to know, but who’s going to give up a lemon italian ice for an unknown? Not Mrs. Hubley’s baby girl.

2) Put ice in your pants and run around the neighborhood screaming, “I have ice in my pants!” This will attract attention for awhile, provided the ice cream truck doesn’t come by. Or that 90-year-old knife sharpening cart we have in Brooklyn. It won’t keep you cool, but that’s some old skool shit. You can’t expect to compete with that.

3) Sprinkler time! This is even better if you don’t actually have any outdoor space of your own. Steal a neighbor’s spout and then claim a spot on the sidewalk. (Note: Given how expensive water is, this will get you arrested even faster than the ice cream truck.)

4) Spray your jeans with hairspray and light them on fire. This actually might be better in towns other than New York. I assume someone might actually take a minute to put you out where you live.

5) Got a roof? Got some tequila? Get yourself a kiddie pool and make yourself into the world’s biggest human cocktail. By the time the ice melts, you’ll be too drunk to care.

And that’s all! Never let it be said that I’m afraid to be servicey.