5 Ways to Stay Cool

Greetings, list-addicted internet perusers. If you live in America and have skin, you might have noticed that it’s effing hot out today.

I, of course, am lazing around in my underpants in front of the AC. But if you’re not lucky enough to live in a nude household and/or have an air conditioner, you’re probably wondering how you can achieve a similar level of sangfroid. Well, fear not. I live to serve you, my twelve loyal readers:

1) Steal an ice cream truck. This has been a childhood dream of mine for the entire 34 years that I’ve been a child (so far.) The truck itself is air conditioned, and once you steal it, you can have all the treats you want, for free! Let me know what that red, white, blue rocket thing is called, and how it tastes. I’ve always wanted to know, but who’s going to give up a lemon italian ice for an unknown? Not Mrs. Hubley’s baby girl.

2) Put ice in your pants and run around the neighborhood screaming, “I have ice in my pants!” This will attract attention for awhile, provided the ice cream truck doesn’t come by. Or that 90-year-old knife sharpening cart we have in Brooklyn. It won’t keep you cool, but that’s some old skool shit. You can’t expect to compete with that.

3) Sprinkler time! This is even better if you don’t actually have any outdoor space of your own. Steal a neighbor’s spout and then claim a spot on the sidewalk. (Note: Given how expensive water is, this will get you arrested even faster than the ice cream truck.)

4) Spray your jeans with hairspray and light them on fire. This actually might be better in towns other than New York. I assume someone might actually take a minute to put you out where you live.

5) Got a roof? Got some tequila? Get yourself a kiddie pool and make yourself into the world’s biggest human cocktail. By the time the ice melts, you’ll be too drunk to care.

And that’s all! Never let it be said that I’m afraid to be servicey.

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68 thoughts on “5 Ways to Stay Cool

  1. um loved the post! Number one especially but here in Erie we do things a bit ghettoy….and by ghettoy I mean we don’t have an ice cream truck in my area just a pleasent young man that BIKES a small ice cream container (like the small ones in convenience stores) around the neighborhood. I guess I’ll settle for the pool of booze!!!! πŸ™‚

  2. Stealing an ice cream truck is my new dream! Red, white & blue bomb-pops are amazing, but I hear you on the lemon ice thing too.

  3. It’s hot here in my country
    All I want is ice cream!! slurp
    oh yes ice cream while reading your post! how cool is that!
    Great post!

  4. It’s effing hot here too, it rained a little bit yesterday (well, poured, sprinkled, poured, sprinkled, kinda stopped) and after the rain it felt comfortably cool, ahhh… now I’m afraid today is going to have the same heat and humidity.

    I’d go in a pool, but the pool we go to is like bath water and basically you dunk yourself, roast, dunk yourself, roast, so I think I’d rather turn on the air conditioning in the car full blast and spend a small amount of time outside.

  5. I’m out in AZ and all I can say is…I look rather rediculous trying to fit all of myself into my dogs little plastic blue $10 pool! πŸ™‚

  6. I find libraries to be the best spots for cooling off because you can read or browse the net in ac surrounding by people who are for the most part trying to learn something 😎

  7. My cat does her slut pose and lays on her back in front of the fan. I like to keep cool standing in front of the refrigerator waiting for something good to appear.
    I liked the ice cream truck idea, although I was always a Fudgecicle girl.

  8. Cute & Funny! I think u have more readers than u know!! Ha, ha, ha!! It is hot as hell in Arizona, but a dry Heat!! Yeah, yeah! Whatever. A few of your ideas sound quite appealing, maybe we can do them together, I’m not getting into trouble alone!

    evelyngarone.com

  9. Pants on FIRE!!! that is too hilarious… when you are already frickin’ hot jeans on fire sounds really weird

  10. “Put ice in your pants and run around the neighborhood screaming, ‘I have ice in my pants!'”

    Lol! That totally reminds me of something Kirk from “Gilmore Girls” would do!

  11. Hi! Yes, I’m truly a list addicted viewer (what could be more entertaining than LISTS!). I just wanted to say one thing…you’re pretty cool πŸ˜›
    P.S. No pun intended.

  12. 6) keep several pairs of underwear in the freezer, changing regularly the ones you’re wearing.

    7) visit a butchery and ask to see the walk-in freezer. once inside, handcuff yourself to a piece of meat and don’t leave until the police break up your peaceful demonstration.

    8) go to the beach or a pool with plans to swim and lay out. it’ll start raining soon after…

  13. Bomb Pops are awesomely awesome–and the white part is lemony flavored, I think. But I see a flaw in your Bomb Pop vs. Lemon Ice logic; clearly, you should have both πŸ˜€

  14. Hi,

    I’m curious to know where you got the photo of the old books as it’s one I took at home and used on my own blog site a while back???

    Maree Giles

  15. Funny stuff! I myself prefer to lay near the airco. Unfortunatly it’s an ancient thing, so not much difference to the outside. Grrr.

    I liked the ice cream truck idea…hmmmm…pondering…

  16. Lemon Italian ice!? Over fat frogs, strawberry shortcakes, and even ice cream sandwiches? Now you’ve done it, you’ve finally crossed the line into utter insanity. I’m legitimately shocked here.

  17. ZZMike – Thanks for the kind words. Checked out your site. Taking into account everything there, combined with your comments here…we agree on things 100%.

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