Greetings, list-addicted internet perusers. If you live in America and have skin, you might have noticed that it’s effing hot out today.
I, of course, am lazing around in my underpants in front of the AC. But if you’re not lucky enough to live in a nude household and/or have an air conditioner, you’re probably wondering how you can achieve a similar level of sangfroid. Well, fear not. I live to serve you, my twelve loyal readers:
1) Steal an ice cream truck. This has been a childhood dream of mine for the entire 34 years that I’ve been a child (so far.) The truck itself is air conditioned, and once you steal it, you can have all the treats you want, for free! Let me know what that red, white, blue rocket thing is called, and how it tastes. I’ve always wanted to know, but who’s going to give up a lemon italian ice for an unknown? Not Mrs. Hubley’s baby girl.
2) Put ice in your pants and run around the neighborhood screaming, “I have ice in my pants!” This will attract attention for awhile, provided the ice cream truck doesn’t come by. Or that 90-year-old knife sharpening cart we have in Brooklyn. It won’t keep you cool, but that’s some old skool shit. You can’t expect to compete with that.
3) Sprinkler time! This is even better if you don’t actually have any outdoor space of your own. Steal a neighbor’s spout and then claim a spot on the sidewalk. (Note: Given how expensive water is, this will get you arrested even faster than the ice cream truck.)
4) Spray your jeans with hairspray and light them on fire. This actually might be better in towns other than New York. I assume someone might actually take a minute to put you out where you live.
5) Got a roof? Got some tequila? Get yourself a kiddie pool and make yourself into the world’s biggest human cocktail. By the time the ice melts, you’ll be too drunk to care.
And that’s all! Never let it be said that I’m afraid to be servicey.
68 thoughts on “5 Ways to Stay Cool”
Where’s the “like” button on this thingy?
I know someone who drives an ice cream (delivery) truck that might be of use…
Hahaha hilarious! I laughed out loud and everyone at work looked at me! Thanks!
It’s effing hot in London too. I feel your pain.
I love to sit in a bucket of ice.
colorados where its at…
Ok, I so needed this! It’s been in the 90s here in VA
Love this! It’s always SO hot in Birmingham, so this is normal weather for us. (I hate summer.)
I want snowwwww!!!! 🙂
Cute! Actually, growing up I always got the red, white and blue rocket thing. I forget the name of it but it was yummy!!! And it was the largest item on the truck (extra points)! 🙂
um loved the post! Number one especially but here in Erie we do things a bit ghettoy….and by ghettoy I mean we don’t have an ice cream truck in my area just a pleasent young man that BIKES a small ice cream container (like the small ones in convenience stores) around the neighborhood. I guess I’ll settle for the pool of booze!!!! 🙂
haha oh this made my day! The ice cream truck idea is by far the best…even though I already own a kiddy pool for the tequila
Stealing an ice cream truck is my new dream! Red, white & blue bomb-pops are amazing, but I hear you on the lemon ice thing too.
I believe this is what academics refer to as “thinking outside the box”.
Thanks. I needed that. Proves you CAN have a really good post with no visuals!
It’s hot here in my country
All I want is ice cream!! slurp
oh yes ice cream while reading your post! how cool is that!
Red, White and Blue Thingy is a Bomb Pop. Loved them & your post.
Hilarious! A few more days of heat and we’ll be reading about you in the crime report section of the newspaper, huh?
LOL love this! Im going to email it to my friends!
Thank you! 😀
It’s effing hot here too, it rained a little bit yesterday (well, poured, sprinkled, poured, sprinkled, kinda stopped) and after the rain it felt comfortably cool, ahhh… now I’m afraid today is going to have the same heat and humidity.
I’d go in a pool, but the pool we go to is like bath water and basically you dunk yourself, roast, dunk yourself, roast, so I think I’d rather turn on the air conditioning in the car full blast and spend a small amount of time outside.
Some very comical suggestions! I particularly like the ice in the pants one. 😛
With Love and Gratitude,
The Intentional Sage
HA! Thanks for making me smile in my non-AC home!
Ah hahahaa. I love this! I may go steal an ice cream truck later today.
Who can feel it more than an Indian …its 48 degrees nowadays …. searching for truck 🙂
It was 98 degrees here yesterday. I WANT A KIDDIE COCKTAIL POOL ASAP 🙂
Definitely trying number 5. It’s going to be a good weekend 😛
I’m out in AZ and all I can say is…I look rather rediculous trying to fit all of myself into my dogs little plastic blue $10 pool! 🙂
Oh, cool as in “cold” not cool as in, “hip”
…and the use of the word “hip” shows why I need a list of how to stay cool…
I find libraries to be the best spots for cooling off because you can read or browse the net in ac surrounding by people who are for the most part trying to learn something 😎
Hahahaha – ice in pants, gotta love it! It has been over 100-degrees here, but we are now experiencing monsoon rains – WHATEVER! Funny post!
This was a really entertaining read. Thanks for the laughs! You should have more than 12 readers soon 😉
My cat does her slut pose and lays on her back in front of the fan. I like to keep cool standing in front of the refrigerator waiting for something good to appear.
I liked the ice cream truck idea, although I was always a Fudgecicle girl.
Cute & Funny! I think u have more readers than u know!! Ha, ha, ha!! It is hot as hell in Arizona, but a dry Heat!! Yeah, yeah! Whatever. A few of your ideas sound quite appealing, maybe we can do them together, I’m not getting into trouble alone!
Too funny! I don’t recommend stealing ice cream trucks from Illinois tho…the drivers are a bit scary.
Oh yeah, that’s pretty cool. Stealing an ice cream truck would be nice. Great post!
Pants on FIRE!!! that is too hilarious… when you are already frickin’ hot jeans on fire sounds really weird
You’re getting zero sympathy from this side of the planet, sweetie. It’s f.f.f.f.freezing!
“Put ice in your pants and run around the neighborhood screaming, ‘I have ice in my pants!'”
Lol! That totally reminds me of something Kirk from “Gilmore Girls” would do!
omg where is the ice cream?
its effing hot here in India too! but then it always is. loved your post.
Hi! Yes, I’m truly a list addicted viewer (what could be more entertaining than LISTS!). I just wanted to say one thing…you’re pretty cool 😛
P.S. No pun intended.
Lol. Enjoyable post!
Ha funny read! I am a personal fan of #5!
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Hahahahaha! I love this. I choose #1.
6) keep several pairs of underwear in the freezer, changing regularly the ones you’re wearing.
7) visit a butchery and ask to see the walk-in freezer. once inside, handcuff yourself to a piece of meat and don’t leave until the police break up your peaceful demonstration.
8) go to the beach or a pool with plans to swim and lay out. it’ll start raining soon after…
what is that smiley face crap?! i’m pretty sure i put an ‘8’ with a ‘)’ after it. like this: 8)
does that make a smiley face?
what?! what if you really want to put an ‘8’ followed by ‘)’ — that’s not possible?
a gud one,its funny..=)
Thank you. You make me laughed ^O^
Bomb Pops are awesomely awesome–and the white part is lemony flavored, I think. But I see a flaw in your Bomb Pop vs. Lemon Ice logic; clearly, you should have both 😀
I’m curious to know where you got the photo of the old books as it’s one I took at home and used on my own blog site a while back???
It was actually in the WordPress template section. Let me know it’s not fair use, and I’ll swap it out!
PS: Nice picture! 😀
It’s hot here (Montreal) too! Love your blog, by the way — thank you Freshly Pressed.
By the way, do you have the same problem:
Funny stuff! I myself prefer to lay near the airco. Unfortunatly it’s an ancient thing, so not much difference to the outside. Grrr.
I liked the ice cream truck idea…hmmmm…pondering…
love love love.
some excellent and original ideas you have.
number one is…very tempting.
Lemon Italian ice!? Over fat frogs, strawberry shortcakes, and even ice cream sandwiches? Now you’ve done it, you’ve finally crossed the line into utter insanity. I’m legitimately shocked here.
Love it…lol!! So funny!! And especially number 5… the best tip I have ever been given…I am so there!
ZZMike – Thanks for the kind words. Checked out your site. Taking into account everything there, combined with your comments here…we agree on things 100%.
You write with my favorite kind of humor. Well done. 🙂
I am going to test no 5 ! Good job !