I appear to have sprangled something in my back. I’m not sure what it is, but I can assure you that it’s a very important part of my back and that I need it.
If I were to guess what was going on, purely by sensation and the MD I surely deserve after years of freaking out over internet medical info, I would say that one of my vertebra has become displaced and is now lodged firmly in my stomach. Either that or my liver exploded at my birthday party and is now slowly disintegrating my spinal column as punishment for that last vodka tonic.
What really upsets me about this is that I”ll have to go to a real doctor, instead of reading spurious medical hypotheses online. This means that I don’t get to worry about bullshit fake diseases anymore, which is a shame because I only have so many hobbies, and that I will have to go sit in the doctor’s office, where the sick people are. And everyone knows their body odor is what makes people ill. Case in point: I never needed glasses until I went to the eye doctor some 23 years ago. I obviously caught myopia from some precious little child actor type with a lisp who was lolling about the waiting room, waiting to infect me with bad eyesight and cuteness.
At least I got the cuteness.