Ironic mustaches are no longer allowed. I didn’t want to throw my weight around like this, but I saw something this morning that forced my hand.
Whilst leaving the F train, I witnessed a gentleman who was exactly one parrot short of being a pirate. “Did he have an eye patch?” you scoff.
Yes. Yes, he did.
So clearly, I have no other choice. No more ironic mustaches. I’m sorry. That’s just the way it has to be.
In future, you may grow that mustache if you are dead fucking serious. And own a boat. Thank you.
Jennie Smash 
Thank you. I was beginning to mistake way too many people for Civil War soldiers.
I saw someone on the street the other day who was wearing a Civil War style coat. He was an ironic Union Soldier, if it matters to you.
This. Must. End.
I don’t own a boat, but I wish I did. But then again, my mustache has attachments and dead serious metal.