I have teh vertigo, which I’ll tell you more about later (really, I will, I will, I swear I will) but all you need to know right now is that it is the silliest ailment a person can get and still be incredibly annoying. To top this, I will have to grow horns or perhaps a giant blinking nose a la Rudolph.
The other thing you need to know is that Duane Reade is my own personal hell, and if I wake up there one morning I’ll know that I died in my sleep and led an impure life. Seriously, they must have classes on being stupid and pissy. I long for that corporate training video.
Instructor: Now, when someone asks you for help, it’s generally best to pretend not to hear them. Especially if you’re a pharmacy tech and they’re screaming their request while sliding down the Alavert case.
I think I stole that conceit from Dave Chappelle. Anyway.
I don’t let them get to me, no no. I buy everything in sight anyway, just as if I were being treated decently. Today, I worked my way through three separate aisles on my way to being mistreated in pharmacy, eventually rolling up to the counter with:
- Foot cream
- Eye drops
- Laxatives
- Throat drops
- Anti-nausea medication
I am the sexiest woman in the nursing home. That is all.
Jennie Smash 
Hey, pretty lady. Call me when the new shipment of Vagisil comes in! Meeeeooooooow!
– A concerned fan (who is impressed and proud that his favorite blog-keeper is so honest and cool with her daily cases of life-threatening health crises).
(Shoot. There’s no way not to sound sarcastic without using those “:)” things, is there?)