Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

After This, We’ll Talk About the Subway or Something

So, I have insomnia. My theory is that if I’m away from my computer for more than five hours, it trips some sort of inner alarm and I have to get up and check my email. Which is what I do, when I wake up at 4 a.m. and can’t get back to sleep. Checked…

So, I have insomnia. My theory is that if I’m away from my computer for more than five hours, it trips some sort of inner alarm and I have to get up and check my email. Which is what I do, when I wake up at 4 a.m. and can’t get back to sleep.

Checked my email just now and discovered that some kid in New Jersey wrote to me on MySpace last night, twice. Now, I don’t write back to random MySpace solicitations, because I’m a girl. As a general rule, we internal Americans of the hetero persuasion* do not find online come-ons particularly attractive.

This was funny, though. The first message had the headline “hey” and read:

“i think your hot message back”

The writer? Was 19 years old. Dude, I didn’t like dating (or even, you know, “dating”) 19-year-olds when I was 19. Now that don’t have to anymore, I don’t think I will, etc.

Anyway, shortly after, when I failed to respond, he wrote back. The headline? “Hey,” once again. The message:

“y dont u message back? do u like young dick?”

Secretly, I think he’s a cop working out of the Sex Crimes unit in Jersey City. But maybe I watch too much SVU. Anyway, uh, no.

*TM Anne Lamott

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Responses to “After This, We’ll Talk About the Subway or Something”

  1. Anonymous

    I occasionally get young’uns myspaceing me which makes me a bit self-conscious because I wonder if I’m too old to be on myspace. But I never write them back. One 15 year old girl wrote me twice all excited because we have the same name. Then she left a comment. So I politely wrote her a short note of “Hey, yeah, that’s pretty cool. I am not a child molester so please leave me alone.”

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Tell him: “Lock down that your/you’re thingy and you’ll get endless tale.”

    –Taupey

    Reply
  3. Megs

    I think that 19 year old was Taupey. He was dumbing down his grammar to throw you off the trail. Those trickey kangaroos!

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Well.

    Take it as a compliment.
    I mean, there are a bazillion barely clothed barely legals all over MySpace, yet he chose to come and solicite -you- for sex.

    …this isn’t going the way I planned.

    You are, of course, hot. Please understand that i don’t mean to insinuate that you are not “A stone cold fox”, in the parlance of another era.

    Hmm. I’m still not happy with this.
    Ah well.

    Reply
  5. Jennie SMASH!

    Welcome, The Distant One! Do you require people to refer to you with your article? Like The Edge? Or The Assimilated Negro?

    Reply
  6. Megs

    And apparently, I am dumbing down my spelling, putting in e’s wherever I see fit. Meh. Tricky, trickey. Whatevs.

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    Um.
    Hmm.

    The Distant One is actually a sort of accurate translation of ‘heru/har’, which is the base of the name of the Egyptian god(s) Horus.

    Which is one of my assorted real life names.

    So.
    You can call me The Distant one, TDO, like TAN. Or Horus, or Horace. Because they sound the same, which amuses me to no end.

    Or, you know, whatever.

    Reply

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