Jennie Smash

Ma Smash: Are you cleaning again?

Me: Yup.

Ma Smash: It’s me, isn’t it? You clean when you’re on the phone with me. You’re nesting or something.

Me: Oh, shit.

Ma Smash: What?

Me: Uh, nothing.

Ma Smash: What?

Me: There’s a small cockroach in my bathtub. Just a small one.

Ma Smash: OH MY GOD.

Me: Not a big one, though. Just one of the little ones. (Pause.) And it’s dead.

Ma Smash: JESUS CHRIST. Call the super! You can’t have those.

Me: Oh, it’s not such a big deal. Everyone has them. I mean, sure, at first I was freaked out by them, but now I’m cool. They come up through the drains when you’ve been away for awhile. There’s almost always one when I come home from a trip.

Ma Smash: I cannot believe you live under those conditions.

Me: It’s OK! It’s just a little one.

Ma Smash: Oh, lord.

Me: You should have seen the one on my coffee pot! It was HUGE!

Ma Smash: Well, I’m glad you’re so happy there.

Me: It’s good to be home.

Ma Smash: In your small apartment. With your pet roach.

Me: (Sighing contentedly.) Home, sweet home!

Ma Smash: Maybe we could get you a little leash, and you could walk it.