Jennie Smash

I don’t know if you know this, but cats are freaks.

I wasn’t aware of this, myself, until just recently, because the Hubleys hate all living things, and so I was not raised with animals. Also, and more to the point, I’m allergic to everything. However, my friend Sean has two cats, and I seem to tolerate them pretty well, so as a result, I’ve gotten to know these critters much better than I usually would.

There are two of them, as I’ve said, and both are crazy in very different ways:

Joe: Does not like strangers. When I first came over, he would bolt from the room, and then regard me very quietly, stalk me, almost, in the manner of a jungle cat. Now we’re pals, so he comes right over and stands at my feet and looks up at me and yowls. I mean yowls. Like it’s his job, or something. Sample conversation.

Joe: (Plaintively.) “Yowl yowl yowl! YOWWWWL! ROOOORWWWL!”

Me: “Jesus. What do you want?”

Joe: “ROWLLLLL! Yowl.”

Me: (Checking.) “You have food. You have water. What is the matter with you?”

Joe: (Argumentatively.) “Row-row-roooooowl. Yowl. Yowlyowlyowl.”

Me: “Well, if you say so. But I guess we’re going to just have to agree to disagree.”

Sean: “You know that he’s not actually speaking, right? Because, guess what? He’s a cat. His brain is the size of a walnut.”

Joe: “Yowl, yowl, yowl!”

Me: “I agree, Joe. Sean is a very bad person.”

Also, I don’t know if he’s a Himalyan or what, but Joe is so furry that he grows dreadlocks, unless he is shaved. He hates being shaved, because he hates traveling, and takes awhile to warm up to strangers, but Sean claims that he’s terribly vain about himself after the process, and prances about the apartment light and free and a kitten. I happen to know that he is headed for the Kitten Stylist this weekend. Because I am a person, and so I find out things before cats. Ha ha ha! I win.

Cuica: Cuica was my initial favorite, and I still love her, but she’s crazy. How crazy is she? I’m so glad you asked. She thinks the telescope in Sean’s room is her long lost boyfriend, and spends long hours lovingly making out with its base. Sean does not allow the cats in his room at night, because they shed like furry little mutherfuckers and he prefers not to wake up under a blanket of hair. However, first thing in the morning, when he opens the door, Cuica bolts into the room and attacks the telescope again. According to Sean, she does this every day. And has been, for about a year.

People say that cats are smart, but I’m just not sure.

THIS JUST IN FROM SEAN:

“Cuica, I’ll have you know, has more brain power than a 2 year old: she understands object transference, which is abstract thinking. Most dogs are able to do this, most cats are not. However, she is not most cats. She is Cuica! Man, you don’t get it! She’s a genius cat.”