Feline Insanity

I don’t know if you know this, but cats are freaks.

I wasn’t aware of this, myself, until just recently, because the Hubleys hate all living things, and so I was not raised with animals. Also, and more to the point, I’m allergic to everything. However, my friend Sean has two cats, and I seem to tolerate them pretty well, so as a result, I’ve gotten to know these critters much better than I usually would.

There are two of them, as I’ve said, and both are crazy in very different ways:

Joe: Does not like strangers. When I first came over, he would bolt from the room, and then regard me very quietly, stalk me, almost, in the manner of a jungle cat. Now we’re pals, so he comes right over and stands at my feet and looks up at me and yowls. I mean yowls. Like it’s his job, or something. Sample conversation.

Joe: (Plaintively.) “Yowl yowl yowl! YOWWWWL! ROOOORWWWL!”

Me: “Jesus. What do you want?”

Joe: “ROWLLLLL! Yowl.”

Me: (Checking.) “You have food. You have water. What is the matter with you?”

Joe: (Argumentatively.) “Row-row-roooooowl. Yowl. Yowlyowlyowl.”

Me: “Well, if you say so. But I guess we’re going to just have to agree to disagree.”

Sean: “You know that he’s not actually speaking, right? Because, guess what? He’s a cat. His brain is the size of a walnut.”

Joe: “Yowl, yowl, yowl!”

Me: “I agree, Joe. Sean is a very bad person.”

Also, I don’t know if he’s a Himalyan or what, but Joe is so furry that he grows dreadlocks, unless he is shaved. He hates being shaved, because he hates traveling, and takes awhile to warm up to strangers, but Sean claims that he’s terribly vain about himself after the process, and prances about the apartment light and free and a kitten. I happen to know that he is headed for the Kitten Stylist this weekend. Because I am a person, and so I find out things before cats. Ha ha ha! I win.

Cuica: Cuica was my initial favorite, and I still love her, but she’s crazy. How crazy is she? I’m so glad you asked. She thinks the telescope in Sean’s room is her long lost boyfriend, and spends long hours lovingly making out with its base. Sean does not allow the cats in his room at night, because they shed like furry little mutherfuckers and he prefers not to wake up under a blanket of hair. However, first thing in the morning, when he opens the door, Cuica bolts into the room and attacks the telescope again. According to Sean, she does this every day. And has been, for about a year.

People say that cats are smart, but I’m just not sure.

THIS JUST IN FROM SEAN:

“Cuica, I’ll have you know, has more brain power than a 2 year old: she understands object transference, which is abstract thinking. Most dogs are able to do this, most cats are not. However, she is not most cats. She is Cuica! Man, you don’t get it! She’s a genius cat.”

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25 thoughts on “Feline Insanity

  1. Men who own cats are 100% gay. Gayer than a Judy Garland record collection in a P Town apartment; gayer than a back page ad in a free magazine. I hate to break it to you, but your friend is gay.

  2. Well, that would be a huge problem, because as you know, I hate gay people. I mean, obviously.

    Let me ask you this, Anonymous: Why are you such a cock? I want you to think long and hard before you answer that. Seek the help of a qualified therapist, if necessary.

  3. Every man should live with at least two cats, whether his is gay or straight. Cats bring out the best in people.

    On another note, I do find myself dancing around with my cats and singing the theme from the loveboat to them, but that doesn’t mean anything, does it?

  4. Just pointing out the obvious. If I wanted to be mean I would have made fun of the pretentious telescope.

    Hey Sean, ever gaze out into the cosmos with a nice glass of Pino and dream about a womanless planet in a far off galaxy? Just men, bath houses, and kittens as far as the eye can see.

  5. hey anonymous:
    why do you care so much about sean’s sexuality? it really seems like you are thinking just a little too much about the topic.
    i am sure the loyal readers of jenniesmash.com are as interested as i am in your answer to this question. you have put YOURSELF in the spotlight, not sean or for that matter jennie.

  6. why do I always have to be the one to educate everybody???
    *there is no god
    *gay, straight, bi, who cares
    *my cat can kick your dogs ass any old time
    ta da

  7. Geez I laugh my ass off at Jennie’s blog and log into the comments expecting to be entertained and it’s a tedious conflagration of sexuality and religion appropriate to a Sean Hannity forum (although “gayer than a Judy Garland record collection in a P Town apartment” is pretty good). Can we start over?

    As an apparently gay-but-with-a-wife-and-three-kids cat person, it’s obvious that Joe knows you don’t like cats. Presumably he tries to jump in your lap, an event you treat with the enthusiasm reserved for a porcupine performing the same act?

    If he’s a himalayan that’d make sense because that places him close to being siamese. Siamese cats have a special arrangement of genes making them the crazy aunt in the attic of the cat family. Your standard gutter-inhabiting tabby mix is a boringly sane salaryman cat in comparison, focusing on more traditional feline activities like performing live, anesthetic-free dissections of rodents of various sizes before bringing the corpse home to you in a touching display of love and devotion (or whatever passes for these emotions in the mind of a cat).

  8. People who like cats also usually like dogs. Folks who call themselves ‘dog people’ however – almost always claim to hate cats. This has always puzzled me.

    If I can add to the confusion a little bit more, I know plenty of dog owners who are queerer than football bats. They’re also naked in my apartment right now, cat-sitting, covered in baby oil and waiting for me to get home with the new Jayne Mansfield DVD box set. Leave a light on, boys!

  9. Good point Dave. The only people I’ve ever known who owned not just one but two pit bulls (Dogs Who Obviously Have Personal Relationships With The Devil and I own dogs) were gay in San Francisco.

    Dog lovers who hate cats have a misperception about the role of pets in our society. They are all merely toys/ornaments but because the utility of cats (spider and, more rarely, rodent control) is less apparent than that of dogs (barking at strangers) they get caught up in how different cats are from dogs and can’t get past it.

  10. I’d consider myself a dog person, and I’m allergic to cats, but if a cat would get rid of spiders for me, I might consider putting up with the sniffles.

  11. Also, Jennie doesn’t hate cats. She actually likes them very much. It’s just, you know, all the sneezing and flu-like symptoms that go along with having a cat on your lap when you are allergic. People who aren’t allergic don’t understand. It’s not like your nose is a little itchy. It’s like your whole head is inflated and has gone up in flames like the Hindenburg. Also you can’t breathe. Fun, huh? Now you know why I’m a dog person.

  12. Ummm, megs, I was just kidding about the spider control thing. Cats kill spiders out of boredom and a need to torture something, not out of a sense of duty. Dogs bark at strangers because they can’t help themselves. Cats don’t suffer from any such compulsions.

    You know the old phrase “money talks and bullshit walks?” Well, Bullshit’s doing a 5K run here on the Internet.

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