So, my RSS feed is not working. Why? I don’t know. But I suspect that the weather has something to do with it.
Yesterday, I was so hot that I was annoyed at the cellular level. I had a small nervous breakdown because of it. I got home from work, planning to eat something and turn on my AC and then go out and do errands. I sat down to pay some bills, and promptly realized that I had managed, somewhere in the move, to misplace my checks.
“OK, no big deal,” I thought. “Meg helped me unpack. She probably put them somewhere.”
I was already online, so I IMed my Mom.
Meglet is on her way back to the West Coast, she IMed. But I am here!
BUT WHERE ARE MY CHECKS! I typed back.
Are you having a hormonal episode? She replied.
Well, maybe, come to that. But whatever. I was in full freak-out now. I actually called my sister and left a message on her cell phone, knowing full well that she couldn’t pick up. My voice, by this time, was a little unsteady. OK, I sounded like Crispin Glover.
“M-e-e-e-g … hi. This is … ahhhh. I’m wondering? If you’ve seen my checks? When you unpacked? I’m feeling a little crazy right now. Also, it’s hot out. OK. Hope you had a good flight. Love you. Bye.”
By this time, I was pacing. This is pretty hard to do when you live in a studio apartment. It was more like shifting from foot to foot. I decided to call my Mom.
“I’ve lost my checks and I can’t find them anywhere and I don’t know what to do.”
“Oh, sweetie. Look. I’m sure they’re there, and even if they’re not, you can just order new ones.”
“But I lost my checks!”
“And … you can order new ones.”
Whispering: “But I’m not the kind of person who loses checks.”
Mom laughed. “Everyone is the kind of person who loses checks. One time? I lost my credit card. Everyone loses things. It’s just a fact of life.”
“But someone could be out there right now, writing checks under my name! Buying drugs and porno and trips to Europe!”
“Well, since I’m sure they’re in your drawer, and you’ll find them just as soon as you get your new checks, I’m not too concerned.”
We wound up talking for about two hours, and eventually, I stopped twitching. I’m not sure what people do who don’t have nice Moms, but I’m pretty sure they need lots more therapy than even the average person. Moms are the best. (But mine is better than yours.)
10 thoughts on “Curses! Foiled Again!”
You always manage to make me sound better than I am! Everyone needs their mom. It’s just that not all moms are as available. By the way, the time I lost my credit card it was in a store and I started to imagine that I was being followed and that someone was going to try to take over my whole life, not just my credit. See, even I’m crazy sometimes. You come by it honestly.
i once lost my keys 3 times in the same month. this resulted in two additional months of having to scale brick walls to get into my apartment. why two you ask? because i am so crazy i did not bother to figure out that i should get new keys made. THAT is crazy. you are tired after a long move.
I’ve lost my keys, credit cards, gobs of money, checks, a passport, a cockatiel, a heart rate monitor, clothes, my sense of proportion etc. No worries. One law of the universe is there’s always more stuff.
Sean from the Cyclones game
(love your blog!)
SEAN! Goddamn, I love having a blog. Nothing like revealing your neuroses to people you just met. YAHOO!
Oh no! I’m sorry I left you in the lurch on my journey back to the Great Northwest. As it happens, I did not come across your checks in your apartment, but I do recall seeing a check box in the piles of stuff that were later loaded into the moving van. Or maybe that was my check box in my apartment in the piles of stuff that I need to organize. Oh dear. See? I’m no better off than you are. I hope you find them, and I agree with Mummy that they are probably in your apartment somewhere. I love you though!
Hey, I said I lost a cockatiel. From where I stand you’re looking pretty good right now.
Oh yes, and I lost two passports just this year. And my birth certificate. And three shoes. And my sanity.
I lose stuff all the time, freak out, and find them in the oddest of places-like underneath the couch or in some random drawer I don’t use daily.
Moms are the best!
may I suggest a small filing cabinet. It's been a life saver for all the small pieces of paper & legal documents that society has deemed important.
PS. I check out your blog regularly. You are hilarious. Thanks.
I don’t want to start a fight, and I certainly don’t want you to call me a big fat ugly bitch (I’d let you park the U-Haul, I swear) but I really think my mom’s number 1.