Jennie Smash

Dear Friend/Colleague/Internet Person/Casual Acquaintance:

Thank you for your interest in Hubley Enterprises. Due to the large volume of submissions, we regret that we cannot respond individually to each specific request. Our hiring managers will reply to any inquiries that meet our requirements, but in the meantime, should you fail to receive a response, please choose among the following standard reasons for rejection:

1) You used the word “lover.” “Lover” is a gross word, and should never ever be used by anyone not currently living in Europe or singing the white man’s blues on a television commercial.

2) You are trying to get into my pants, but are not interested in any other interaction with me, outside of that. Listen, pal: There are hardworking prostitutes out there who need to eat. I’m no scab.

3) You are my friend, but you do not see why we must remain fully clothed during the course of our friendship. So unnecessary, these clothes! So binding! Friend of mine, hear me: This is a dangerous course you are attempting to embark upon. It is also the quickest way for us not to be on speaking terms in six months.

4) You fit some or all of these criteria, or perhaps none, but I am not attracted to you. They’re called nonverbal cues. Learn to read them. If a girl moves away whenever you move toward her, chances are she doesn’t want to sleep with you.

5) You are a reasonably nice guy, with your own interests and needs, and you may or may not be interested in a relationship of some sort, but let’s go out on an actual date and see. Stop hanging out with the Easter Bunny and call me, for God’s sake.

Thanks, and best regards,

The Management

PS: If you have ever dated my sister, ball up this letter and stuff it down your windpipe. It will be simpler than dealing with the courier, who is most likely holding a baseball bat. Before you do so, please say hi to Dad, won’t you?