Form Letter 537A: Why we cannot be lovers. (Hint: Are we french? No? Then don’t use that word.)

Dear Friend/Colleague/Internet Person/Casual Acquaintance:

Thank you for your interest in Hubley Enterprises. Due to the large volume of submissions, we regret that we cannot respond individually to each specific request. Our hiring managers will reply to any inquiries that meet our requirements, but in the meantime, should you fail to receive a response, please choose among the following standard reasons for rejection:

1) You used the word “lover.” “Lover” is a gross word, and should never ever be used by anyone not currently living in Europe or singing the white man’s blues on a television commercial.

2) You are trying to get into my pants, but are not interested in any other interaction with me, outside of that. Listen, pal: There are hardworking prostitutes out there who need to eat. I’m no scab.

3) You are my friend, but you do not see why we must remain fully clothed during the course of our friendship. So unnecessary, these clothes! So binding! Friend of mine, hear me: This is a dangerous course you are attempting to embark upon. It is also the quickest way for us not to be on speaking terms in six months.

4) You fit some or all of these criteria, or perhaps none, but I am not attracted to you. They’re called nonverbal cues. Learn to read them. If a girl moves away whenever you move toward her, chances are she doesn’t want to sleep with you.

5) You are a reasonably nice guy, with your own interests and needs, and you may or may not be interested in a relationship of some sort, but let’s go out on an actual date and see. Stop hanging out with the Easter Bunny and call me, for God’s sake.

Thanks, and best regards,

The Management

PS: If you have ever dated my sister, ball up this letter and stuff it down your windpipe. It will be simpler than dealing with the courier, who is most likely holding a baseball bat. Before you do so, please say hi to Dad, won’t you?

Published by Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

I'm a freelance writer and editor.

5 thoughts on “Form Letter 537A: Why we cannot be lovers. (Hint: Are we french? No? Then don’t use that word.)

  1. Between the previous post about absentee comments and the current post about standard rejections, I smell conspiracy!

    Are you suffering from unwanted advances or just preparing yourself for the inevitable?

  2. Unwanted advances, alas. I keep trying to tell myself it’s a compliment, but it feels more like being annoyed by a subway flasher.

  3. BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! *breathes* ha. ha. um…

    Yeah, I know people who need a form letter like this one that you have created.


  4. As long as the flasher isn’t trying to steal your iPod, you should be ok.

    Brutal honesty… that’s the only language a man can understand in these situations. Non-verbal cues and these other subtle hints you speak of may work for women, but guys need hand grenades dropped in their lap before they notice. (And even then, we usually say, “Surely that wasn’t a hand grenade that just fell in my lap! What could it possibly mean?!”)

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