I am stupid and cannot do my taxes. This is particularly disturbing, because I did them last year, no problem. This can only mean that last year, I did them wrong, and the IRS will eventually catch up with me and throw me in the hoosegow. And you know what that means, don’t you? No Internet access.
G’wan and laugh, but this is how they got Al Capone. And you know the federales have been after my ass for years. By the way, it is now perfectly OK to hit me about the head and neck area, because I used the word “federales.” (TM George Carlin.) I’ve probably even spelled it wrong, but I’m too freaked out about my impending prison sentence to look it up. After everything I’ve done for you people, you can let this one slide, OK?
Anyway, it’s been nice knowing you.
Jennie Smash 
Not only will they throw you in jail and deny you ‘net access, they won’t feed you either. Alas, I am too far away to come visit you in your incarceration, but on presentation of this note I’ll Fedex you a file with a cake hidden in it.
Well at least plan some sort of livelihood for yourself on the inside…procuring cartons of cigarettes, making moonshine in your toilet, etc.