5 Things That Did Not Happen to Me, While I Was Ignoring the Internet

1. I did not get pregnant. This is significant because 100 percent of my friends did, including all of the men and also the women who have been through menopause. This is also fine, because I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. Which is itself will soon be illegal, if things don’t go my way in the next election. (My friends’ babies are VERY cute, by the way. Probably cuter than anyone else’s friend’s babies. I’m just saying.)

2. I did not lose the 20 pounds I was trying lose. A lot of people wrote in after my diabeetus post to tell me that I should lose weight. This was shocking news to me, since I do not own a scale or pants, and therefore had no idea I was fat. I thank you, one all, for your consideration.

3. I did not become unlazy enough to link to my diabeetus post.
Give me a break. I have to be on this sort of thing all day long at my “job.”

4. I did not get a real job. I mean, technically, I work, because I do things and then I get paid. But I don’t go into an office or put on my (giant) pants or even talk to people all that much. I hope I get away with it forever.

5. I did not forget about my poor little blog, although you might be forgiven for thinking I did. Did you know that this blog will be ten years old next year? Well, it will. If it were a person, it would be a tween now.

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