Wheel of Dicks 2009

I swear, if Sgt Lucky ever gets tired of my pinko rhetoric and snoring, I will become a nun. Because dating? Just plain sucks.

I’ve been talking to a lot of friends lately who are still on the Wheel of Dicks, and it ain’t pretty.

In the old days, I’d use this space to tell you all about how my friends are suffering, but I have developed discretion in my old age, so instead I will just tell you about some of the horrifying experiences I had before I hung up my Match.com membership.

I have dated:

1) A man who still lived with his “ex” girlfriend. It honestly didn’t occur to me how weird that was until after we broke up. I woke up in the middle of the night some weeks later, laughing hysterically, because I realized that, in fact, I had never even seen his apartment. And yet I thought we were dating. I am rad.

2) A man who watched cartoons first thing in the morning, just like normal people do when they’re, say, ten years old. Our relationship consisted of him beating me at Guitar Hero and me resisting his efforts to convince me to get swallows tattooed over my boobs.

3) A bunch of vague, half-remembered dudes with loose conceptions of fidelity that together comprise an amalgam I’ve invented for convenience: I call him Big Cheaty Voltron, and if you think you want more details, well, you don’t.

I talked to a friend of mine this morning who was going through a situation with her latest spoke, and afterward, I decided that I should really tell Sgt Lucky how much I appreciate him.

“If you ever leave me,” I said. “I will become a nun.”

He was rearranging things in the closet at the time, which is an extremely absorbing activity, but he tore himself away long enough to look at me in amusement. “No, you won’t.”

“I will.”

“You won’t.”

“No, I will, cuz I don’t even like anyone but you, so there.”

He thought about this for a moment. “Well. You like some people.”

“Well, some people, sure.”

Still. My point is, I like things better this way. And for those of you who are dealing with this crap right now, all I can say is, I promise it gets better. I know, people used to tell me this and I didn’t believe them, but there is someone dying to make fun of you while he reorganizes a closet. He is out there right now. You just need to meet him.