Jennie Smash

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By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

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Artichoke Preparedness and You

My hummus wrap this afternoon had artichokes in it. Now, understand, I’m not against artichokes, but I do feel that one should be prepared for them. There is nothing worse than encountering an artichoke that you’re not ready for. With this in mind, I would like to offer, from the depths of my neuroses, several…

My hummus wrap this afternoon had artichokes in it. Now, understand, I’m not against artichokes, but I do feel that one should be prepared for them. There is nothing worse than encountering an artichoke that you’re not ready for.

With this in mind, I would like to offer, from the depths of my neuroses, several things that YOU can do TODAY to PREPARE FOR ARTICHOKE ENCOUNTERS:

1) Consider the nature of your meal. I am omnivorous, and proudly so, which means that my eating habits intersect with a number of different culinary lifestyles. I might, for example, have meatloaf. Or I might have the hummus wrap. The hummus is where I get into trouble. If vegans might eat it, you must BEWARE OF ARTICHOKES.

2) Examine the headgear of the person serving you. Is it properly intended as a hat? Or was it, at one time, a wrap, t-shirt or sock? If one of the latter is true, you should BEWARE OF ARTICHOKES.

3) If you encounter an artichoke, do not panic. Remind yourself that vegetables in all forms are our friends, here to sustain us until we can get to the next steak house. Many vitamins come from our vegetable friends. I haven’t done anything approaching research on this, since otherwise I wouldn’t qualify as a blogger, but I’m pretty sure artichokes have some sort of nutritional benefit. However, they are slimy, so you should still BEWARE OF THEM.

Admittedly lovely artichoke photo courtesy of Spychic on Flickr. Some rights reserved, etc.

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Responses to “Artichoke Preparedness and You”

  1. Anonymous

    When I first read this, I thought you wrote “Many *victims* come from our vegetable friends.” ‘Cause that could also be true.

    Love,
    Mrs. P.

    Reply
  2. honeykbee

    Totally off topic but are you taking requests?

    I could really use a guide regarding how to tell whether or not you can pull off the JennieSmash-esque glasses frames.

    No rush or anything, I’ve got 29.5 days to decide whether or not I’ve made a horrible error of judgment and return these badboys.

    Thanks, like, way in advance.

    Reply
  3. Ghetto Photo Girl

    I have never been a victim of artichokes, but I have been subjected to hidden sprouts. Which ALWAYS scare me to the nth degree and one might then find me huddled in a corner, whimpering about evil sprouts that looked like albino worms in my food.

    They’re criminally gross.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Artichokes incease bile production–need I say more?

    Another sartorial tip: Do any of the merchant’s clothes appear to be made woven of cloth more coarse than a burlap sack? If so, be on alert.

    Is it me, or does this description of broccoli rabe sound “hot:”

    Rapini has many spiked leaves that surround a green bud which looks very similar to a small head of broccoli. There may be small yellow flowers blooming from the buds, which are edible.

    The flavor of rapini has been described as nutty, bitter, pungent, and “an acquired taste”.

    I think rapini should be rated NC-17.

    –Taupey, Clean Green Mean Machine

    Reply
  5. That Guy

    I might sound a bit crazy here, but I spent a vacation in at the Stratford Festival in Ontario, where there happens to be a very good cooking school. One of the restaurants specialized in pizza, and made me enjoy marinated artichoke hearts on them. It was so good. But that’s the only way I’ll take them. I’m a fickle artichoke lover, I know.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    http://www.kithfan.org/work/transcripts/one/menstr.html

    –Taupey, day late, dolla short

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    .h = .html

    –Truncinatorium

    Reply
  8. amberance

    Brilliant.

    Reply
  9. honeykbee

    Are you using “artichokes” as a euphemism for “men” here? Because so much of it (slimy, warnings necessary) seems to apply…

    Reply
  10. honeykbee

    hey — me again. When it rains it pours.

    How would one contact j.smash with photos (of glasses. nothing pervy. sorry, no cheese.) if one wanted?

    me: hkbeelog at g mail dot com

    Reply
  11. Jennie Smash

    Oooh! You have mail.

    Reply
  12. Jay

    the pictures will probably still be pervy.

    men are less likely to be found hiding in one’s hummus, although I’m sure there’s a club for every taste in New York.

    it’s not my fault, that rapini wanted it… did you see what it was wearing?

    anything tastes good on a disc of dough.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    ARTICHOKE was named because -AR-lene got a -TIC- from -H-er -OK-lahmoma boyfriend -E-dgar, who got huge and scary because everything with artichokes in it must have so much fat to make it even edible. I have it on reliable authority that Barry Bonds is on Artichoke salad, not hormones. That’s why his head is sooo biiggg.

    Reply

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