Ma Smash Takes on the Syndicate

I am not dead – just busy, busy. Also, in keeping with my usual routine in January, I have gotten sick twice in one week. This is a new low (high?) even for me, and less than hilarious, as material goes.

Anyway, here’s the short version of my weekend: Ma Smash and Mrs. Piddlington came to visit me in New York City, and all we managed to squeeze in was one trip to the Algonquin, three hair appointments in Chinatown, one ascent of the Empire State Building, and one size large fight with Keyspan.

The last was the best:

Ma Smash to Keyspan Employee, who is in the process of tearing up my street with a jackhammer at 3 a.m.: “Excuse me! Excuse me, sir? Hi. Excuse me! Did you know that it’s 3:00 in the morning?”

Keyspan Employee to Ma Smash: “Yeah, well, there’s a leak.”

Ma Smash: “You know what I think you should do? I think you should shut down the line.”

Keyspan Employee: “Oh?”

Ma Smash: “Yes! Because you see, my daughter is trying to sleep. She has to work very early in the morning and it’s 3 a.m. and you’re … drilling. And it’s very loud!”

Keyspan Employee: “Well, you know, ma’am, we have to fix these problems as they arise.”

Ma Smash: “I’LL CALL YOUR BOSS! I’LL CALL THE MAYOR! I’LL CALL YOUR MOTHER!”

OK, that last part might not be straight reportage. Anyway, afterward, she came in, shook me awake and said, “I don’t want you to worry about a thing. I think the drilling is going to stop now.” After we called 311, it did.

My mother, ladies and gentlemen! You can’t have her, she’s all mine.

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