Sex, Lies and PowerPoint (Only, Not So Much Sex)

I have a ginormo presentation tomorrow, and I should be freaked out about it, but I’ve spent so much time tinkering with PowerPoint that I can’t really get exercised about the whole thing. I would like to think that this is because I have a great deal of confidence in my abilities, but I suspect that I am exhausted. (Although I do have a lot of confidence in my abilities. It’s going to rock, this presentation. Let’s all say the mantra: Ihavealotofconfidenceinmyabilities, Ihavealotofconfidenceinmyabilities, Ihavealotofconfidenceinmyabilities…)

Here’s the thing about me and these presentations: They require math, and I am just not a math person. I am almost entirely right-brained. Here are some things I am good at:

  • Making things up.
  • Telling stories.
  • Meeting new people.
  • Making new people like me, whether they want to or not.
  • Ignoring the pathology in the above statement. La la la.
  • The making things up thing can be a problem, because while I never precisely lie, my stories tend to get out of hand. For example, the other day, I told someone that my father plays the bagpipes. Now, I’m pretty sure he can play the bagpipes. He’s almost obnoxiously musical. He can play guitar and violin and drums and the harp and an astonishing array of recorders, tin whistles and flutes. Why not the bagpipe as well? Because he doesn’t have one. That’s why. Lies!

    Anyway, back to my point. I’m right-brained, not left. For example, here are some things I am not good at:

  • Finding my way anywhere, no matter how many times I’ve been there. (This extends to woefully simple things like coming out of the subway the right way, and so on.)
  • Math of any kind, especially “simple” arithmetic, ho ho.
  • PowerPoint, fer crysakes.
  • I spend most of my professional life doing things I really love, which is what they promised me in school, if I was very patient and got all A’s and was an intern for years and so on. (Lies again: They told me I’d have to move to cheaper state and become a waitress, since it was clear that writing was my only skill.)

    But presentations, arrghh! So not my strong suit. How bad is it? Well, let me tell you. It’s like this: Someone from the research department will try to explain some formula or methodology to me, and I’ll blink at them a minute and then say something like: “I LIKE YOUR SHIRT, CUZ IT HAS DOTS! DO YOU LIKE ICE CREAM? LET’S SIT IN THE SUN! I SEE A BUTTERFLY!”

    It’s really very impressive.

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    5 thoughts on “Sex, Lies and PowerPoint (Only, Not So Much Sex)

    1. I, on the other hand, am almost entirely left-brained… like at some point in time, it got up and left.

      I never really found a good way to remember this right and left brained thing. Mars and Venus, I got. Milk and sandwich, I got. Best I could ever do was Mr. Einstein had the RIGHT idea, understood the big picture in a way that he could explain it, but LEFT it to Mrs. Einstein to prove, since she was the one with the more advanced mathmatics.

      FYI: I have it on good authority that your father CAN pipe. So see, some knowledge is intuitive, not just based upon the evidence. He doesn’t own a set of pipes, just a chanter, which is kind of a practice pipe… a reed stick to practice fingering, but no bag or drone pipes to make the big sound, the use of which causes you to have to hire lawyers and such to deal with the sound complaints from neighbors.

    2. Daddy can play any thing. He’s been known to make good music from pots and pans, his nose, a comb, a stack of papers, assorted pens and pencils, and empty coke bottles. It amazes me cuz I can’t play even one instrument, let alone the above list of items. Also, not good at math. (Sorry honey, it’s all me fault.) Hmmmm. Maybe there’s a connection somewhere.
      Love, Ma Smash

    3. I majored in Journalism for the plain fact that I didn’t have to take a math class beyond the bone-head GE requirement. It wasn’t till then I realized, “Hey! I might be good at this!”

      Now I work for chemists who daily try to explain numbers and letters to me and their corelation to the world. It’s definitly not where I thought I’d be! So yeah, I know what you mean.

      Good luck on your presentation!

    4. Don’t worry about the presentation. Being good at PowerPoint would be very sad. When you think of it, it’s the fancy modern version of the overhead projector or the flip chart. No one would brag about being good at creating flip charts and therefore no one should brag about PowerPoint.

    5. you made that presentation your bitch with flying colors.

      BTW: your shoes! they’re shiny! Let’s drink!

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