Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

Flight 1018 Will Be Delayed, Pending Hubley’s Nervous Breakdown

The woman sitting next to me at JFK is reading one of those loathsome self-help books. This particular one is called Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential, and it’s authored by some dude who looks like the minister at the Baptist church I went to when I was 10.…

The woman sitting next to me at JFK is reading one of those loathsome self-help books. This particular one is called Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential, and it’s authored by some dude who looks like the minister at the Baptist church I went to when I was 10. She isn’t reading it, though. She’s just fondling it and jigging her knee up and down so that it knocks into my chair. She also sat on my coat. I hate her.

BTW, my flight is delayed. In case you couldn’t tell by my charming attitude.

Here’s the thing with the self-help books: They are a racket comparable only to pyramid and Ponzi schemes, it seems to me. I wish to write a self-help book called “Give Me All Your Money Because I’m Lazy and I Don’t Want to Do Shit No Mo’.” It will be 150 pages long. Each page will have approximately 25 words on it in 18-point type. On the cover, I will wear a tasteful suit and smile at you through huge shiny caps that look like dentures. You will give me all your cash, and then use the book as a $20 coaster, as God intended.

It’s taking all my strength not to lean over to this woman and say, “You want some good advice? Don’t be a damn fool your whole life. That’ll be 10 bucks, babe. Bargain rates at Dr. Hubley’s.”

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Responses to “Flight 1018 Will Be Delayed, Pending Hubley’s Nervous Breakdown”

  1. Megs

    At least your book will be entertaining. I’ve tried to read one or two of those self-help books in my lifetime, and the only thing they succeeded in helping me do was fall asleep. Which is fine too. Cheaper than sleeping pills.

    I will read this book, when you write it. I wish to give you all my money. Unfortunately for you, I have none. Ha!

    Reply
  2. taptaptara

    i too would read your book…would it help? I’m not sure but I am in need of a good coaster!! I too will give you all my money which is none either!! 😛

    Reply
  3. Bev

    Well, atleast your honest in your book title.

    I actually was one of those people at the airport reading the very book you mentioned. It’s a pretty good self help book for people who can’t handle the baggage (no pun intended)in their life.

    Reply
  4. Eric

    Pwned!

    Reply
  5. honeykbee

    Pagin Dr. Hubley. Dr. Hubley to San Antonio… stat.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    “fqgsm” is my word verification, how could I pass that up?

    It’s like all dirty and yet techno, and so utterly lacking in vowels whilst neither being Welsh nor Eastern European.

    Dazzling.

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    Hi, it’s ffejgpah here, and I just wanted to say that when I was having a minor career crisis, my girlfriend bought me a copy of “Finding your North Star.” Here’s what happened:

    I thought it was unintentionally hilarious and kept snorting at it in bed. She said “that’s kind of snarky–if you don’t like it, don’t read it.”

    I kept reading and sharing bits and pieces of the boko’s wisdom. She became worried that maybe I would find my North Star after all, and she wouldn’t be a part of it. Irony?

    I finished the book (utter tripe, but I’ll read anything, really) and I’m still at my crappy job.

    Reply

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