We Are Family

Cuz: (Somewhat drunkenly.) I just wanted to call to tell you that you’re my favorite Jennie and that I love you so much.

Me: Aw, thanks, man. I love you, too. I really appreciate the call. I needed it tonight.

Cuz: Are you blue?

Me: No, not really. It’s more like my face is collapsing and covered with wrinkles and fine lines and that I have no ideas and not much talent and I’m a fraud.

Cuz: (Pause.) Are you blue?

The wrinkles and fine lines obsession is a new one, or relatively so, and has gotten worse in the last day or two because I decided to go get my eyebrows threaded on Friday.

“You want your lip, too?” The lady asked.

“What? No. I don’t — do I need my lip, too?”

She looked at me with great pity. And then, because I always want fries with that, I allowed myself to be upsold.

Here is the problem with getting your whole face threaded and then going back to work: You wind up sitting at your desk with a swollen face. I informed my coworkers that I would be facing the window for the rest of the day, and not to take offense: I just didn’t want them to have nightmares.

The problem with threading or plucking of any kind, of course, is that once your face is all swollen and bare, you can feel free to visualize the teensy beginnings of wrinkles that you’ll probably get in about ten years. By the time I finished my makeup at the gym that afternoon, I was nearly in tears.

All this to say that I am terribly vain, but you all knew that already. However, I am fun at parties. And now I am virtually hair-free. Really, you can’t ask for much more than that.

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7 thoughts on “We Are Family

  1. oh, no. that happened to me, too, that look of pity. from an 80 year old woman who said, “you need very much. you HAIRY.”

    i’m a mammal. it’s amazing that they can make us feel ashamed for having the gall to have wisps of hair on our faces.

    still, i got the whole shebang done and cried about my hairiness.

  2. Both to Karabara and Jennie and anyone else harassed by those torturers who call themselves estheticians: That’s horrible that those women made you upset! I hate!

    But if it makes you feel any better, I am about the least hairy person on the planet, and even I got the look of pity from a manicurist once. She was sitting there, doing my nails, and she looked across the table at me all squinty and appraisingly. Then she said, “You want me to do your eyebrows?” Having about 5 blonde hairs over each eye, I looked back at her in shock and said, Nooo, I do not!” Her cluck of disapproval and the roll of her eyes had me thinking though, so I said, “how much?” Needless to say, I walked out of there with lovely nails but minus 10 bucks and 8 of my 10 hairs. Now I just pluck the strays and keep my money.

  3. Also, I’ve heard a few of my husband’s friends tell of “threading.” Apparently it is very common in Iraq and just comes with the haircut. Imagine thinking you’re just getting a little off the sides and having all of your neck hair pulled right out instead. Yowzah!

  4. Other things that are common in Iraq: Poverty and bombs. I mean, maybe I need to rethink this depilatory method, is all I’m saying.

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