Jennie Smash

Jennie Smash: Does it bother you that I’ve bleached everything in my apartment three times?

Mrs. Piddington: Well, once probably would have been enough.

Jennie Smash: There was a roach, though.

Mrs. Piddington: I read about the roach. (Muttering in the background.) What was that, sweetie? Oh, John says that he likes roaches.

Jennie Smash: John’s stinky. Guess what else?

Mrs. Piddington: What?

Jennie Smash: I went to the doctor today and my bilirubin levels are great.

Mrs. Piddington: What’s that?

Jennie Smash: Ask Mom.

Mrs. Piddington: Hey, Mom, Jen’s bilirubin levels are great.

Ma Smash: (In the background.) Well, I’ll be damned.

Mrs. Piddington: What are they?

Ma Smash:(In the background.) Liver functions. Ask her if the bartender told her that.

Mrs. Piddington: Mom wants to know if the bartender told you that.

Jennie Smash: Tell Mom she’s sort of an ass. Also, tell her my groceries are going to magically appear in about two minutes, like magic.

Mrs. Piddington: Mom, you’re an ass. And Jennie’s getting groceries from the grocery delivery man. (Muttering in the background.) John says you’re going to have an affair with the grocery delivery man.

Jennie Smash: John’s going to have an affair with the grocery delivery man.

Mrs. Piddington: He is not!

Jennie Smash: No, he’s not. Guess what else?

Mrs. Piddington: What?

Jennie Smash: I got a million shots today from a 12-year-old nurse.

Mrs. Piddington: My nurse was 12 the last time I went in for a checkup. What shots did you get?

Jennie Smash: Tetanus and diphtheria. And another round of hepatitis.

Mrs. Piddlington: What’s diphtheria?

Ma Smash: (In the background.) She’s already had diphtheria!

Jennie Smash: Well, now I’ve had it twice.

Mrs. Piddington: Now she’s had it twice.

Jennie Smash: Guess what else?

Mrs. Piddington: What?

Jennie Smash: I got pamphlets.

Mrs. Piddington: For what?

Jennie Smash: Tetanus and diphtheria. In case complications develop, from my shots.

Mrs. Piddington: Wait, they gave you pamphlets? Don’t they know better?

Jennie Smash: Well, see, I need them in case I develop, let’s see …”soreness, redness or swelling..”

Mrs. Piddington: OK, you need to throw those away.

Jennie Smash: “…deep, aching pain and muscle wasting in the upper arm(s)…”

Mrs. Piddington: Are you holding the pamphlets?

Jennie Smash: Yes.

Mrs. Piddington: Take the pamphlets, and go into your bathroom, and throw them away.

Jennie Smash: (Crickets.)

Mrs. Piddington: Are you there?

Jennie Smash: Yes.

Mrs. Piddington: Take the pamphlets, and go into your bathroom, and throw them away.

Jennie Smash: I might need them later.

Mrs. Piddington: You don’t need them. You’ve been immunized against diphtheria twice.

Jennie Smash: There’s a weird girl on this one. She’s holding her hands up like, ‘Hooray! Diphtheria!’ I need to keep it.

Mrs. Piddington: Tear out the weird girl and throw the pamphlets–

Jennie Smash: “Ever had a serious allergic reaction or any other problem with Td, or any other tetanus and diphtheria vaccine?”

Mrs. Piddington: –away.

Jennie Smash: I can’t. My scissors are drying.