Cold Number One Two Three

I get a lot of colds. This is for several reasons: I eat mostly cheese. I stay out too late, or, when I stay in, up too late. I hate exercise, and only do it when my vanity gets the better of me. And I clearly did not win the genetic lottery when it comes to health.

Both sides of my family are long-lived, but we don’t let that slow us down when it comes to developing curious ailments. My grammy on my Mom’s side used to get weird things like staph infections in her blood, or skin problems that disappeared suddenly after she got the small pox vaccine. On the other side of the family, we’ve got loads of diabetes and a little heart disease, plus a few folks who just took to their bed for one reason or another. Could have been MS or chronic fatigue or fibromyalgia. Could have been garden variety ennui. Who knows? On both sides of my family, well, let’s just say we’d be eccentric, but none of us has ever had any money.

So being prone to colds … that’s not that bad. Except that I’m just now getting over my third goddamn cold of the year. THREE. It’s December, people. Where will I be come flu season? UNDER THE GROUND, that’s where.

My friend Smyres has a theory that all this cold-getting will benefit me in the end. “Suit,” she says. “I figure that by the time the old avian flu gets here, you’ll have built up an immunity. Whereas folks like me, who never get colds? We’ll be stone dead.” I want Smyres’ collection of Johnny Cash records, if that happens.

In the meantime, however, I welcome all advice on building the immune system, as long as it doesn’t involve any creepy hippie shit or like, taking care of myself. Actually, come to think of it, shut up. Achoo!

Published by Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

I'm a freelance writer and editor.

13 thoughts on “Cold Number One Two Three

  1. “I eat mostly cheese”

    God, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Granted it’s only 9:21 AM, but still…

    Now that I think about it it… I eat mostly cheese as well, only in its melty-pizza state.

  2. I love you! rhymin about the germ and illness just 4 me, see it bitches?? She my wifey! I tell people that you look better than every body and they say no you dont but i dont care what they say cause i know you is fine as hell. Maybe not in da Fat Suit when that girl leave’s you wit da basketball. If that was me i would of took both of you. but g2g. I love you so much! -pezzy

  3. Lots of garlic. And you can eat it in fun yummy stuff like garlic knots and italian food or even on your pizza.

    This way you dont get sick or spread your cold to coworkers who spread it to their loved ones at home. 🙂 while you’re at it, give your coworkers garlic too so they dont spread their germs to you.

  4. sorry to hear you have yet another cold- at least you don’t have the pukies like all in my household. I too am a cheese lover, just thought i’d share. hope you’re feeling better soon

  5. no more cole:

    rippiddidly rum pum pum,
    rippiddidly rum pum pum,
    rippiddidly rum pum pum,

    hold the air around you
    into yellow, green, and blue

    rippiddidly rum pum pum,
    rippiddidly rum pum pum,
    rippiddidly rum pum pum,

    give dat cole
    t’da {dum ole dawg}

    da dum pum pum.

    3x, say
    3x, turn

    {xxx} = or to pezzy who is too weird for me, either

  6. Come back to the team, Fatsuit… a drunken game of b-ball would do that immune system of yours a world of good. Just don’t eat all that garlic first. Otherwise no one on the team will make out with you afterwards.

  7. Are you sure your three colds aren’t the same one repeating itself? I mean, maybe you don’t fully get the cold out of your system, and then you overdo it, and it comes back. I think that’s what’s happening to me. I had a cold last weekend, and I thought I was over it, but today I feel like crap again.

    Hey, maybe these are like crazy Supercolds that never actually go away, but instead mutate and come around again just when you have a great party to go to or a presentation at work. Damn Supercolds. I blame Osama.

  8. bringin the hate to pezzy r just jealous cuz smash blogin 4 me under my tree. u just want Jennie to switch her set to urs, well know it aint gonna happin DATS WUZUP -love, pezzy

  9. I used to get several colds a year. A few years ago I stopped drinking cow’s milk and now get 0-1 colds a year. Maybe it is the cheese. 😦

  10. Two words: Surgical mask.

    Two more: Rubber gloves.

    Take a frantic sip and then put a fresh coaster on top of your beer every time you set it down, like Michael J. Fox on Scrubs. If the coaster falls or gets knocked off, get a new stack of coasters and a new beer.

    Last, but not least, start smoking so you can turn your lungs into a pair of tiny gas chambers for anything that makes it through your new layers of defense.

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