Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

Don’t Let the Bedbugs Bite

On the train yesterday, Mizza informed me that the city is apparently infested with bedbugs once again. This happens from time to time, I guess. I’ve gotten used to “water bugs” in my tub when I get home from a long break, but I really cannot handle this. “If you get them,” Mizza said. “I…

On the train yesterday, Mizza informed me that the city is apparently infested with bedbugs once again. This happens from time to time, I guess. I’ve gotten used to “water bugs” in my tub when I get home from a long break, but I really cannot handle this.

“If you get them,” Mizza said. “I recommend the following: Leave your apartment with the clothes on your back, which you will promptly have deloused, and perhaps burned. Abandon your lease and all your belongings and start over in a new city. Also: You’ve scratched your nose three times while we’ve been talking, and if there’s something you’d like to tell me, you can do it from across the aisle.”

I am dead serious, folks. If the bedbugs find me, there won’t be enough SSRIs on the planet to stop the screaming.

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Responses to “Don’t Let the Bedbugs Bite”

  1. Megs

    Ew ew ew.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Hurricane season is over. You can come and stay with me in Miami.

    Reply
  3. Jennie SMASH!

    Miami! Man, that’s starting to sound pretty sweet. It’s gonna get cold up here soon.

    What’syour address?

    Reply
  4. Caryn

    That is not bad advice. I wanted to take a flamethrower to my apartment many times.

    Reply
  5. Anonymous

    http://www.sbc.net/knowjesus/theplan.asp

    Reply
  6. Jennie SMASH!

    Excerpt from that link: “There is just one thing that separates you from God. That one thing is sin.”

    Is that really the only thing that separates me from God? Cuz I feel like there’s probably a lot more. I mean, for reals, it would be kind of conceited of me to run around being all, “You know, if it weren’t for this pesky sin, I would be exactly like God. I mean, we’re practically the same person.”

    Reply
  7. Anonymous

    …separates, not distinguishes!

    The one thing that distinguishes you from God is, of course, your hair type.

    See you in hell, Curly.

    Reply
  8. Enrico Pallatso

    looks like you’d have your own room in Miami, which is a plus.

    Reply
  9. taptaptara

    eww, that’s all i have to say… Miami does sound pretty sweet

    Reply
  10. jayman

    Have you seen the variety of insects that infest Florida? Winter may suck, but if it prevents us from having that kind of shit, I’m all for it.

    Reply
  11. jayman

    d’oh … stupid forgot to click “other” instead of blogger …

    Reply
  12. jayman v3.0

    no … stupid did click other but it didn’t work anyway …. oh well, i guess my gallery of hideous florida natives will have to remain in your imagination.

    Reply
  13. lpdrjk

    I dunno, jayman, I’ve lived in Florida (yes I know, soon I’ll be regaling you with tales of my life with the Maharishi of India) and NYC’s trend-setting parasite problem (http://www.nytimes.com/2005/11/27/
    nyregion/27bugs.html) seems worse in comparison with plantain/love/whatever bugs you tried to link to. Waking up in the middle of the night to discover that the walls are papered with large roaches doesn’t seem as bad as waking up to sheets peppered with (sorry, couldn’t resist the consonance) streaks of your own blood. Coming soon to set of box springs near you (woo-hoo!).

    If the bedbugs start talking to the roaches about the advantages of an all-blood diet I’ll feel differently.

    Reply
  14. jayman

    Yeah, getting eaten in your sleep is probably worse than anything you might see on the sidewalk. (Or the windows, or even on your arm…)

    As to my link, it was nothing less than the entire menagerie of hideous things waiting for fresh victims in Florida. I suggest a northern migration if fleeing the 8th plague becomes necessary.

    Reply
  15. marg

    Don’t know ’bout ‘bedbugs’ much, except they bite whereas ‘roached” jes scare the hell outta you. Living in a mobile home pretty much surrounded by tall trees, is an invitation to most crawling bugs. The most inhospitable bugs of all IMO is the ‘Roach”. Nothing will wake you up quicker than to feel (or in some cases ‘hear) the pesky disgusting things near or on ya. If you can manage to track ’em down after they’ve done their job at disturbing your sleep, you may get back to sleep. Otherwise, you are up for the duration. If you attempt to ‘swat” at them with a swatter or whatever. it seems they will come directly at you. But there is a solution, and if I may, I would like to brag on the product “BENGAL” ROACH SPRAY ( and killer). I get it on line,, no shipping/packaging and it’s here in 3 days. One squirt in an obvious roach trail, will bring out many many half dead and dying. It’s about 2 bucks cheaper than in stores. The best deal in my live, I must say. If you aren’t allowed to use this info , please feel free to delete it.

    Reply

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