The Attitude of Fattitude

Yesterday, I went to the doctor, as I do, and discovered that I had lost four pounds. Four pounds! This is entirely because I just broke up with someone, you know. I always gain weight in relationships, even if it seems like I’m eating just the same and exercising and all that. I blame hormones.

My friend Derek once said that he thinks that this pattern has a lot to do with the on-off nature of many relationships among young (he’s 24) people these days. When couples are together, they pack on the pounds. The girl might be fine with this, but the guy, being a guy, gets all grossed out at her fattitude and breaks up with her. She then cries and cries and loses like 37 pounds, and then she’s all hot and emaciated again and the dude’s like, whoa! My mistake. Let’s get back together.

It strikes me upon looking at that paragraph that Derek might actually be a very angry person, and I’d never realized that before.

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10 thoughts on “The Attitude of Fattitude

  1. I too am recently single, however I am just finding that my BAC is consistently higher than it was while I was with her. And the quality of food is going down. Less quality restaurants, more quesadillas and buffalo wings.

  2. My ex ate like a 15 year old line backer. I gained 36 pounds living with him. He lost 30 but gained type II diabetes.

    Wait, that’s not funny. But it sure as hell got me to eat my vegetables.

  3. I gained, like, 45 pounds over 2 months and Bill still loves me. He says he likes a woman who has a woman’s body and not a little girl’s. I went to the endocrinologist and she assured me I just needed to stop eating sugar. So I did and I lost weight and had to buy new pants and also got some uggggly purple stretch marks when I started losing, that he says are a figment of my imagination. Ahhhh I love him.
    kristen

  4. Suffice to say that any worthwhile individual is far less concerned with the appearance of the body than they are with the contents of the mind.

    Since I’m both a nihilist and a hedonist, I think it’s just silly to deny oneself pleasure, regardless of whether it comes in the form of narcotics or food or monster truck races or whatever else makes you happy. You’ll be dead soon enough regardless, and it’d be pretty shitty indeed to be sitting on your deathbed thinking, “I wish I’d just eaten that damn brownie, after all…”

    Fuck these women’s magazines that say you’re less attractive than someone else because you don’t wear a size zero. From ancient Rome to modern Africa, obesity is sexy!

  5. Yeah, and I don’t think multiple husbands are allowed even in Utah. Oh well. In another life maybe, although you probably don’t believe in reincarnation.

  6. Damn sexist Mormons. :p

    Stars, planets, galaxies, trees… none of those return to their original form once they’ve undergone the transformation that we call death. I can’t see why we’d be any different.

  7. Oh man, what does this mean for women who are married to the sam man for 5 or ten years? according to the math Meggs and I are destined to gain about 600 to 1200 pounds. Jayman, prepare yourself for many newley devorced women to solicit your hand in marriage and to move to Utah.

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