Things to Do When You Can’t Drink

Recently, I was forced to take a few days off from lounging around my favorite bars. I was busy, broke and sick. (A triumvirate of ills that has fortunately plagued most of my friends as well, so, bonus! Also no one to play with.)

While I was recuperating and letting my bank card rest, I came up with the following things to do when you can’t drink:

1) Return phone calls to friends. I am terrible at this. For one thing, my cell phone is actually a prototype built in 1987 and it’s the size of my desk and I have to have a dude run behind me with a generator in a suitcase just to make it work, which means that I can’t skip messages, and who wants to listen to all of that. So I sometimes don’t even get messages for days and days. For another thing, I am a bad person.

2) Consider organizing paperwork. Decide to shove it back in a drawer instead.

3) Do laundry. Realize that skeevy dude who hangs outside the laundromat asking people for cigarettes is always there whenever you do laundry. Wonder if he’s there when you’re not doing laundry. Decide that he is stalking you. Realize that you are paranoid.

4) Call mother and ask if, in her clincial opinion, you have a personality disorder. Act surprised when she laughs loudly and long, and then says, “Yup! You’re fucking crazy!”

5) Contemplate starting fight with mother, then friends, then fella, then coworkers. Realize that this will result in guilt, friendlessness, broken relationship, poverty. Decide to read a book instead. Realize that you are a grownup. Fuck.

Anyway. It’s been a valuable experience, my week of rest. And now … right back to it!

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8 thoughts on “Things to Do When You Can’t Drink

  1. OK now wait! I believe I said:”Well of course you do honey. Everyone does!” Unfortunately your particular personality disorder has changed that to “You’re fuckin’ crazy.”
    Love from Ma Smash

  2. smash, any updates on your love life that you would care to share? do you find it easier in a city with 4mm people to find a good companion, or does the size of the pool have no correlation to the size of the opportunity?

    where do you think there are more eligible men (and by eligible i mean non sociopaths), boston or nyc??

  3. A good time to start a fight with your Ma Smash would have been after she told you that you were crazy. And a good time to start a fight with your friends would be after they tell you they’re not going to be taking you out to drink this week. As for your co-workers, just go around and leave emails on all their desktops saying it only takes 5 seconds to lock your machine. :p

  4. Don’t worry, Jennie Smash, I’ve got your back! I turn 21 in about 14 hours, so I’ll have a drink for you, too, or two… Just let me know what you’d like!

    <3Cass

  5. I didn’t realize we live in a city of 4 millimeter people…that’s pretty cool. Hopefully I don’t crush them with my boots of steel.

  6. Please add “Staring wistfully at hardcore German pornography” to said list. Because I don’t have my own. List, that is. The pornography is most certainly covered.

  7. its 8 millimeter people, 4 millimeters of which are male. unless the smashmeister has changed teams, or plays for both teams, in which case, she would have a much bigger pool to draw from.

    but the millimeter was the first joke i have ever laughed at from a red sox fan, so kudos.

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