It’s Been Nice Knowing You

My allergies are so bad, that I’m sure they’re not allergies, but actually some horrible, rare, fatal virus that is in the process of seroconverting right at this very moment inside my sinuses, where it will take root and rot my head from the inside out. And think of how much less pretty I’ll be with no head! So much less pretty. It will be a shame, I tell you.

Also, in other hypochondrical news, I need to find an all new set of doctors in the New York area, so that I can call them on an hourly basis and make them tell me that I’m really OK, that everyone gets colds now and again and its probably not the heeeev, and that actually, unlike everyone else, I’m never ever going to die, and isn’t that amazing? (Also awful, were it true. Actually, what I want is a speedy and painless heart attack when I’m 112 years old.)

You might think it’s easy being this crazy, but it’s not. For example, yesterday, I updated my to-do list. Here’s what it said:

1) Change credit card to 0% card.
2) Make appointment for yearly physical.
3) Groceries: Buy cheese, sour cream, etc.
4) Refill Xanax.
5) Organize bills, statements, and so on.
6) Get shrink. Ask about shock treatments.
7) Hang pictures.

I have this weird feeling that this isn’t what most people’s to-do lists look like.

Published by Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

I'm a freelance writer and editor.

4 thoughts on “It’s Been Nice Knowing You

  1. Here is Ma Smash’s to-do list for the week ahead;
    1. study for ACLS because you are TEACHING it and you have forgotten all you ever knew and everyone will find out what a total fake you are
    2. remember to take Xanax right before getting on the plane home to Boston so you don’t freak out the other passengers. Try to remember that you are not the only person alive who remembers 911
    3. clean house when you get home. It will have 10 days worth of dust and god knows what has grown in that.
    4. get groceries. Try to keep diet in mind since you have done nothing but eat your head off and sit around for the past 10 days.
    5. write nasty review of 2nd rate hotel we were forced to stay at because the whole world showed up here to welcome home the troops, all of whom will be home by the time we leave except our son-in-law.
    6. write congressman regarding crappy blankets that were laid out on beds for our servicemen; holes, tears, scratchy, sometimes bits of blankets sewn together. Inform him he owes me for the replacements we bought. Really it was embarrassing.
    See, little one. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
    Love from your own Ma Smash

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