Federlines vs. Massholes: Fight!

So, it looks like Britney finally pooped out her little Federline.

This was, of course, a big topic of conversation at the end of the work day today, because everyone who works for any sort of media company in New York is obsessed with gossip, and if they tell you they’re not, well, then, ask them something sports-related, and they’ll do their Rainman routine for you. And also? It’s the same goddamn thing, sports and gossip. All stats and gawking. Speaking of which, you should also read this blog. Now. Thank you.

OK, but here’s my point, other than that it’s too late for me to be blogging, as evidenced by my inability to construct a sentence. And that’s that my pal Eric is going to go head to head with the Federline family, baby for baby, just to save the species from devolution.

He will be able to do this, because he and his girlfriend are getting married in the next year or so, and because they are 12. My point being that even if I were inclined to start having puppies, I could maybe give the world like five before my ovaries dry up. But of course, I am hideously vain and miserable hypochondriac, so the combined fear of stretch marks and gestational diabetes are probably enough to keep me childless, at least until they develop better SSRIs that don’t give babies webbed feet and ADHD.

Eric volunteered for this, by the way. We were all sitting around in the Pit, which is what they call the area where they keep the totally awesome people at my job, and I mentioned that people like Kevin Federline always have at least three babies by the time they’re, oh, 28, and that this is why the median IQ is dropping sharply. People like me, I said, have maybe one baby. How can my one genius baby hope to keep its wee head above the teeming crowds of Federlines congesting the world? (And picture them! Eating Easy Cheese and wiping their paws on their wifebeaters. And then beating their wives with their Easy Cheese.)

“That’s OK,” Eric said. “Because I’m going to have dozens of babies.”

I laughed. “Oh. You are?”

“Yes. I am. I am going to have an army of babies and they are going to take on the Federline babies, and they are going to win.” (Eric keeps a sports blog. He’s very competitive.)

I must tell you that I am quite taken with this idea. Also? My money is on Eric’s kids. I mean, he’s from Boston, so he’s got that going for him.

Edited to add: Please enjoy Eric’s own account of his plans for world domination.

Published by Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

I'm a freelance writer and editor.

12 thoughts on “Federlines vs. Massholes: Fight!

  1. I think it’s actually a good thing that there are so many Federlines dragging down the gene pool.

    Somebody has to remove cigarette butts from public urinals. The world is truly a sad place when that’s the best job a PHD can get. I think we need more Federlines to do our dirty work.

    On a side note, doesn’t Federline sound like the name of a rusty air conditioning unit?

  2. My babies will stand by Eric’s babies in defeating the lesser genes of the world. I’m getting started on them right now!

  3. wow, anonymous #2 sounds like a total handjob. i actually find the smashosphere quite amusing. and while i am pretty sure we are on oppositve ends of the political spectrum, i still enjoy smash’s writing style and content.

    anonymous #2, you need to get laid, or come out of the closet, but for gods sake do something that will relieve some of your anxiety and hostility.

    or maybe you are just a jerkoff, exercising your right to free speech. and in that case, it’s great, but at the end of the day, you are still a tool.

  4. Smash will never stop writing. Not til she’s dead. However, she welcomes negative comments. Discord can only mean controversy, and you know what that means: Book deal! Eat that, Stephanie Klein.

  5. This is Eric’s 12-year-old girlfriend. He passed on this post for me to check out while I’m sitting at my desk, clearly not doing as much work as I should be. In any case, I felt it my social duty to point out that although I fully support the destruction of the Federline genetic line for the benefit of humanity, I sadly cannot offer my own womb for propagation of the Anti-Federline Storm Troopers that Eric is hoping for. My uterus would explode like a water balloon after the first dozen, I’m sure. Please feel free to commence Plan B, Project Federline Sterilization. I’m happy to assist by providing the hedge clippers.

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