Jennie Smash

The second week of my retirement begins, and I discover that I now have “stories” that I watch every day. Also, that I speak in a particularly obnoxious sort of present tense, like a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

But back to my original point: Did you know that there are true crime shows on TV ALL DAY LONG? Well, there are. And I’m making it my mission to watch every single one of them. The Law & Order series alone is keeping me quite busy, I have to say.

I just realized that I haven’t had this much lying around time since I was laid off in 2000. That wasn’t nearly as much fun, either, cuz I’d just gotten a new apartment and bought a couch, and I was looking at unemployment from the perspective of someone who actually owed her checking account a couple hundred bucks. When our bosses called us into the Conference Room of No Longer Working Here, and told us what was up, I thought for a minute that I really would faint. I heard this buzzing sound, like millions of bees, and my vision blurred for a minute. Looking back, I wish I had fainted. That would have been delightfully Victorian, don’t you think? And since we’ve now established that I cannot go out in the sun, I might as well embrace the situation and become a Goth.

Before eight Goth kids write to me with encouragement and skin-bleaching advice, I should tell you that I am kidding. KIDDING. I am not Goth. I am actually pretty peppy and given to wearing bright colors. It’s not my fault that I have no pigment in my skin whatsoever.

Speaking of which, it’s time for me to go lie in a vat of After Sun.