"I’m a big bad man, Marlowe."

As part of the application process for a job, I recently had to authorize a private detective to snoop into my life. This made me very nervous, until I realized that there’s absolutely nothing in my life that would interest a private detective. This made me fairly depressed. Now, in addition to everything else, I have to worry that the private detectives are mocking me:

“Did you see case number 11A-47? She gets a little carton of skim milk with her lunch every day. Isn’t that adorable?”

“On Fridays, sometimes she gets an ice-cream sandwich.”

“AW! That’s just the CUTEST.”

And then they’ll all laugh and sock each other in the shoulders and adjust their fedoras.

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