Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

S’il vous plaît ne pas m’assassiner. Je suis Canadien.

I’m listening to these French tapes right now, in preparation for my trip to Paris in a week or so. And there’s this whole section that’s totally terrifying. It’s all about what to do if you lose your stuff, or get robbed, or lost, or otherwise molested. It’s like the hypochondriac’s section of the tourist’s…

I’m listening to these French tapes right now, in preparation for my trip to Paris in a week or so. And there’s this whole section that’s totally terrifying. It’s all about what to do if you lose your stuff, or get robbed, or lost, or otherwise molested. It’s like the hypochondriac’s section of the tourist’s guide, and it’s keeping me awake, quite frankly. Here’s a selection, for your reading pleasure:

Where is the police station?
Où le poste de police est?

Fire!
Feu!

I have lost my watch. Please help me.
J’ai perdu ma montre. S’il vous plaît m’aider.

Please direct me to the embassy.
S’il vous plaît me diriger à l’ambassade.

A French person has been extremely rude to me. Please lend me your mace.
Une personne française a été extrêmement impolie à moi. S’il vous plaît me prêter votre lacrymogène.

OK, I made that last one up. But really, it should be in there.

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Responses to “S’il vous plaît ne pas m’assassiner. Je suis Canadien.”

  1. Jayman

    U.S. Embassies kick ass. They’re like little pieces of America all over the world. If you’re being chased by the police, and you show the guards your passport, they will let you in but not the cops. At least that’s what I saw in The Bourne Identity. It must be true. And if you get raped or mugged and you don’t like how those damn Frenchies are handling it, you can totally tell the Embassy staff and they’ll like sic MPs on the crooks. I love living in an expansionist empire.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Mon dieu! Je suis un criminal! Je suis la formage!

    Those’ll come in handy.

    Why go to Paris? Ze Yew-knighted Setates uv Ee-mearika, zey too guud fer yew???

    –David in California

    Reply
  3. Jennie SMASH!

    Much too good! That’s why I’m being forced to leave. 😀

    Reply
  4. Nelly Woman

    Jayman is a little bit right about U.S. embassys; they will most deffinately let you in, but they tend to forget about you once you are seated on their waiting couches (at least in Switzerland when your request is about a stollen hand bag and four pairs of roller blades). So if you’re wanted pretty badly, your waiting to be helped will give the local police the time they need to get their buddies and surround the place, so that when you do come out, swearing and full of frustration, the will say “freez! You american pig dog” and away wis you they go. But serriously, have fun and bring the phrase book with you as you walk along, I have heard that French persons find it endearing;)

    Reply
  5. Christine M. Parizo

    Did they teach you how to say, “I’m not American; I’m Canadian!” ‘Cause that’s a helpful phrase. In Italian, it’s “Non sono americana; sono canadese!”

    Reply

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