I’ll take two!

Is anyone else addicted to Emergen-C, those little foil packets of orange powder that you drop into your water, forming a fizzy and (supposedly) healthful pick-me-up? I swear the company that makes them isn’t giving me a nickel, but man, I must tell you I can’t stop drinking them. This is part of my compulsive beverage problem, maybe, but mostly I think I’m just the sleepiest person in the world, and anything that can wake me up and not add to my disturbing daily caffeine consumption is a good thing.

My favorite thing about Emergen-C is that it’s been around for awhile, and you can tell, because the packets are more ’80s shazaam than they are ’00s hipster (or organic, which is the other way they could go, I guess). The box has the Emergen-C logo encased in a little sunburst thing, just like we learned in basic graphic design in high school, just like around the “pow!” in comic books when the good guy punches out the bad guy. “Our product will punch out your sleepiness, Jen Hubley!” the box says, and I believe it, because I? Am a good consumer. I now drink two or more packets of this crap a day, just like the box says I should do. And it occurs to me that if you’d like to recruit me for your evil cause, you need only print your suggestion on a box of something easily consumable.

A couple beats ago, I wrote about customer relationship management software. This is the stuff that helps telemarketers take down your information, hotel companies track your preferences, the Body Shop figure out what to send you on your birthday to keep you coming back for more lip gloss and loofah. At one point, I was at a trade show, talking to some dude who worked for some company and we were talking about upselling, and how good his company was at upselling. And I said, “Well, that’s great. But I guess you just want the right types of customers really. I mean, me? I always want fries with that. Supersize me! And I’ll definitely two for the price of one, or a second thing, for half off with my original purchase. So what you want, basically, are many, many customers just like me.”

The gleam in his eye made me push my chair back a bit from the table.

Published by Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

I'm a freelance writer and editor.

5 thoughts on “I’ll take two!

  1. I get the same kick from Mountain Dew. It sounds to me like the only reason to get that powdered stuff would be to eat it like pixie stix.

  2. My Grandmother is addicted to that stuff. She wake up in the morning like a nicotine addict first thing she does is drop a packet into her water.


  3. Just keep minitoring your pee is all I can say. Me and Rob and some of our friends pulled an all nighter this weekend and were drinking Rock Star to keep our peepers open (it has 1 more shot of caffine than a 16 oz. Mt. Dew does). The next morning we were all peeing neon yellow.

  4. Less important than watching to see if your pee turns orange is to keep an ear on your stomach and bowels. Too much vitamin C can cause stomachaches and diarrhea, which is less fun than, say, a box full of wagtails.

    The RDA is currently set at 60-75mg per day, and Emergen-C has 1,000mg per packet. Overdosing on Vitamin C – just like overdosing on any other nutrient – is RELATIVE to the level of elements that interact with Vitamin C. In other words, it all depends on their ratio to Vitamin C.

    Skip the healthy shit and buy yourself some Shower Shock.

  5. Yup, I totally dig the stuff. We call them our “orange fizzies” and the boyfriend and I are always asking one another “did you have your orange fizzie today”? Nauseatingly cute, no?

    Anyway, steer clear of the strawberry. Consider yourself warned.

    (Oh and hey, what’s a wagtail?)

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