Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

An open letter to New York apartment brokers

Attention, New York realtors: I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I did not just walk here barefoot from Appalachia. I am not carrying a banjo. I am from Boston. BOSTON. Which is a major city, jackass. Where you have to pay first, last, security and a fee in order to get a place to…

Attention, New York realtors:

I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I did not just walk here barefoot from Appalachia. I am not carrying a banjo. I am from Boston. BOSTON. Which is a major city, jackass. Where you have to pay first, last, security and a fee in order to get a place to live. Where the streets are also dirty, and the people are also sometimes abrupt, just like where you live. I am not a rube.

The fact that I did not call you up and start screaming obscenities before even saying hello should not, in any way, cause you to think that I am a pushover. I am nice, you see. Until you fucking push me, in which case, you will all wish you were born oysters in Japan. Believe that shit.

If you will agree to stop showing me pictures of apartments that:

a) Do not exist.
b) Have been heavily photoshopped.
c) Are stills from a movie set.

Then I believe that we will get along great. However, if you do not behave yourselves, I will call:

a) Some sort of terribly official business office.
b) A politician of some kind.
c) Your mother.

Thank you, and best regards,

Jen Hubley, soon-to-be New Yorker

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Responses to “An open letter to New York apartment brokers”

  1. That Guy

    Experiencing some housing difficulties are we?

    Reply
  2. Nelly Woman

    I know what you mean about the whole photoshoped thing. When me and Hubby were looking for appartments for him (before marriage, didn’t want to make you worry:) we found an advertisment with a picture of a lovely two bedroom place that had the following description: “roomy, well lit and patio out back.” When we got to the apartment, the roomy part was true, but that was because a wall had been knocked down between two rooms, like a day before we came to see it. The good lighting came in from the breezy natural sylight in the roof and the patio was a 3′ by 3′ square outside a slding glass door at the back of the appartment. The land lord promissed that it would all be fixed by the time we moved in, but they were asking 600 a month (which is probably pretty cheap for Boston and New York) so we said nay. Curses to modern technology yarrrrr!

    Reply
  3. luckymonkey

    Smash,
    Don’t work with realtors. They are as slimy as republicans. They will expect you to pay a finders fee equivalent to 1 month’s rent. The sucker maneuver all newbies to the area are subject to. Don’t fall for it. And don’t be prejudiced against looking at Brooklyn, Jersey City or Hoboken. Manhattan’s not the only game around. Explore the opps.
    Signed,
    I've been here 4 1/2 years & I will not shed a tear when I leave.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    You should use craigslist. I have a great apartment in Brooklyn that I got through there and I know a lot of people who have found amazing deals through there. I agree, don’t use a broker!

    Reply
  5. cambridgeporter

    Must confess my interactions with real estate agents in Boston was not so much better. Two thumbs up for Hoboken. It’s more affordable and a little less insane. Or Brooklyn- Carroll Gardens rawks. Don’t ever go above 45th street, unless you are going to a museum.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    call my friend jeannette, at bapple.com. say you got her name from a blog reader named pat. she is honest, has been in the biz a long time, and is very nice. she will if nothing else give you a some information about the rental market in manhattan. i dont know you, but i like your blog, your writing is funny on the black table, and you seem like a cool gal, so i hope she helps (should you decide to use her).

    Reply
  7. Jennie SMASH!

    My dang comments notification thingie seems to be broke. So I’m sorry if I’m a little late in thanking you, my pals. Thank you!

    Reply

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