I want to be a whistleblower, too

I like to read the wires while I’m eating my lunch, because I’m a nerd. Today’s stories on Yahoo! include, among various items involving Bush, Shiites and Monarch butterflies, a piece on the recent arthritis medication scare entitled “Whistleblower warns of more Vioxx risks.”

This is an important issue, of course, and hats off to Dr. David Graham, the FDA member who insisted on bringing this information to light. He was willing to buck the system and go up against pharmaceutical giants and his own bosses and so on. He seems very brave. But then, don’t whistleblowers always seem brave? It’s their defining characteristic. This is why I want to be a whistleblower, too.

As a general rule, I am a cowardly person. I am deeply non-confrontational by nature, to the point where, if someone is stepping on my foot, I will actually think to myself, “Does it really hurt all that much, having my foot stepped on? Perhaps it would be better to put up with it. And anyway, I’d hate to hurt this person’s feelings.” This sounds funny and sort of cute, but beware the wishy-washy person: I have, in my younger years, broken up with men via e-mail and the ever-popular gradual disappearing act, just to avoid having to tell them that I didn’t want to date them anymore. And needless to say, I have never battled any government agencies.

But now’s the time! I’m older and stronger and I’ve had loads of therapy. All I need is to find a corrupt government agency, insinuate myself into its ranks, and then, you guessed it, bravely blow the whistle on their corruption. How hard could this be?

I know that you will all wish me the best of luck in my new endeavor. And if you happen to think of any government agencies that particularly need exposing, please feel free to e-mail me.

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