Are you dead inside?

Recent studies conducted by reliable new media news sources (a.k.a. “blogs”) indicate that nine out of ten Americans are actually dead inside. Are you one of them? Take our simple quiz and find out.

1) It’s Wednesday evening. An old friend calls you up to announce that she is spinning at a club downtown. You have not seen this friend in several months, and she’s really good with the records and such. Also: There will be free drinks. You:

a) Don’t even bother to properly hang up the phone, but rather leave it dangling cinematically at the end of its cord, going beep-beep-beep, and dash out the door into a waiting taxi.

b) Say you’ll think about it. Hem and haw. Have long discussions with yourself in the mirror while getting ready to go, a la Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, about whether or not you should go. (“She’ll keep calling me. She’ll keep calling me, she’ll make me feel guilty and … shit. I’ll go I’ll go I’ll go and … I’ll go.”)

c) Stay home. Lost is on!

2) It’s Friday afternoon. This same friend calls you up and asks you to go to party with her in another city. She will provide transportation and a place to crash. You:

a) Ask if the people you’re staying with have cats. You’re allergic to cats. Also, how is her car holding up? Wasn’t it making scary noises? Is it fixed now? Is it really fixed? Is she sure? Well … okay, maybe.

b) Say no way, dude. You’re on a new fitness regimen and you have to get to the gym every day or else. Nobody likes a fat girl.

c) Pack a change of underwear and go.

3) An old boyfriend is comes to town. Things didn’t end on a terrific note, but for some reason he wants to see you, and to be honest, you can’t actually remember what you guys broke up over anyway. Plus, he’s hot. You:

a) Clear your weekend, put on date underwear and roll with it.

b) Make an excuse and stay home.

c) Actually, you know what? I have no idea what this has to do with being dead inside. I think this item belongs on the “Do you have any common sense?” quiz. I score particularly low on that one, but you all knew that.

4) Company Christmas party time! How much do you drink?

a) How much have you got?

b) I’ll just have a lite beer. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of the boss, or anything.

c) No, seriously, how much have you got? Also, I hope you don’t think we’re going home after this. No, I don’t want to hear it. No, I don’t want to hear it. You are like my favorite coworker ever. No, you are! Lemme buy you a drink. Open bar? Okay, well, then, let me get you one.

5) When is it time to go to sleep?

a) When the party is over, the bar is closed, and all your friends have locked you out of their apartments.

b) About 10:00 p.m., give or take.

c) When you are dead, imprisoned, stripped of your driver’s license or otherwise confined to your home.

SCORE:

I would calculate your points for you, but I’m too tired. Next time, okay? What? Where are you going?

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5 thoughts on “Are you dead inside?

  1. Wow! Those situations are way too subtle for the simple male mind. Most guys who read this quiz said, “Huh? I… I dunno… anybody got beer?”

    The questions to your male readers should be

    1. are you dead inside
    2. should you be dead inside
    3. was your existance irrelevant, anyway

    Because:

    1. Needs of modern society are inconsistent with the vast majority of our anthropological history as hunter/gatherers living in pack-like clans.

    2. Women evolved as creatures of scope and depth, becoming the more creative and consistent, social/intellectual problem solvers as a result of the necessary division of labor brought on by their time and resource-consuming role in continuing the species.

    3. Men evolved as creatures of power and focus. Without the ability to birth or nurse but with the opportunity to devote all of their resources to speed and strength, men became the more effective hunters, but at the expense of social subtley.

    4. Hunting speed and strenth are not relevant in agrarian, industrial, or information occupations. Strength is totally unnecessary in 95% of all occupations, and virtually all of the last 5% require no more strenth than that of 90% of women under the age of 70.

    5. Men spent the last 10,000 years of civilization trying to convince women that men were not, in fact, redundant.

    6. The 21st century, during which the key survival skill is the ability to work within increasingly communication-centered economies, has brought an end to that fiction.

    No wonder so many of us guys act like dodo birds.

  2. Don’t feel bad, Goody. I was a little upset at first when I found out about myself, but I’ve gotten used to it. Soon … sooooon … you’ll stop caring …

  3. Hells, I stopped caring by the time I finished that sentence. I’m 28. I’m old! I work for a living! You damn kids, get off my lawn!

    …and so forth.

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