I’m addicted to reading my horoscope.
Those of you who know me in person, or who have been reading this site for awhile in any of its various incarnations, probably aren’t surprised by this. I am a completely illogical person, and have an extremely addictive personality. I spend much of my off-time Googling old friends and boyfriends and crushes, and could probably get addicted to, I don’t know, fruit juice or white wall tires or Hummel figurines, if I tried.
But anyway, my horoscope. I’m a Gemini, which means that I’m a big, big flake and also crazy. (It also means that I’m inclined to believe in bullshit things like horoscopes, I’m pretty sure.) I have a bunch of sites I read all the time, to keep up to date with what may or may not happen to me, but I’m very frustrated today because I’d like to know what’s going to happen to me in the new year and none of my Web sites gives predictions for months other than the current one.
So, in typical Gemini fashion (“Clever Gemini, words are your passion! Your creative flair amazes your many friends!”) I have decided to make up my own horoscope for the new year.
Dearest Gemini, this will be a year unlike any other! Except that it will be just like every other. You will make new friends this year, and lose some old ones, due to attrition, or big stinkin’ fights, or your tendency to flirt with their boyfriends. (Also them, despite the fact that you don’t like girls. Also complete strangers, including the bus driver, who does not speak english, and inanimate objects such as a plate of crab rangoon and an umbrella.)
You are a fickle, fickle woman, totally unable to make up your mind, or rather always able to make up your mind, and then changing it two seconds later. You will develop a split personality from fighting with yourself constantly. When deciding which direction to choose, think about which option seems totally outrageously horrible at first, and then take that one. No seriously, you know how you’re always lost when you’re driving, and your first instinct is to pick the wrong direction? Yeah, you’re like that in life, too. Sorry, kid.
You will have many boyfriends in the new year, but will break up with them in under two months, due to your craziness and fickle nature (see above). You will write all kinds of things, most of them having to do with your favorite topic (see this entry). Your friends will stand by you, because they are better people than you are, and value, for some reason, your ability to make a fool out of yourself at large gatherings where alcohol is served.
Speaking of that: Your liver will fall right the fajuck out of your body and wriggle away, gasping, “No! No! No!” It will leave a slime trail and it will be disgusting. Like the chicken that glimpses its own head a second before its demise, you will have just enough time to marvel at the sight of your fleeing liver before the toxins (mostly scotch) overwhelm your body and send you into death spasms.
Your general adherence to AP style will make it impossible for you to read your horoscope in the new year, because of all the exclamation points! (Avoid.)
4 thoughts on “Horoscopes for fools”
I’ve been secretly reading your stuff for awhile now. Today I literally snorted coffee out of my nose reading your horoscope. Just wanted you to know that.
The part about the liver made me laugh. And your commentary about boyfriends begs the question: what happened to the guy (dare i say boyfriend) from the city of thin people (NY)??
Sweet Christmas, that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Your talent for self deprecating comedy is unmatched. This is coming from someone raised in an irish catholic family, so that’s saying alot. Hope your Xmas was a good one.
You are good at this. You should start a new business. I’ll pay you one chocolate beer at Doyles if you write mine!