How Quickly Can You Invent a Reason for Horrible Bites All Over Your Body?

I ask because I came up with about 20 explanations in an hour or so, when I woke up early Saturday morning to the sensation of a million tiny teeth nibbling on my arms. Among them:

1. Heroin withdrawal. Slight problem: I have never used heroin.

2. Allergy to medication. That’s a good one! I thought to myself. I’m on millions of meds for my disorders, both real and imagined. I spent additional time self-implanting memories of swollen lips that appeared after taking my thyroid meds.

3. A new STD. I would be very forgiving of Adam, I decided, or of myself, if it turned out that I’d developing sleepwalking, sleep-picking-up-randos, and sleep-sex as a side effect to the medication allergy I was definitely experiencing.

4. Shingles.

5. Hysteria.

It turned out to be bedbugs, of course. It’s always bedbugs.

Here’s a picture of a puppy in an Easter basket, because bedbug pictures are too horrible to behold:

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Image: Jeremy Duff/Flickr

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