Jennie Smash

I’m about to get on a train with two Gladware tubs of veggies, turkey, and hummus, and a baggie of nuts. NUTS. Go ahead and make a joke. I’ve been eating nut butter all month, a few days a week, at least, so I’m used to it.

Here’s a typical conversation in my household:

Adam: Whatcha making?

Me: (Sigh.)

Adam: No, really, what?

Me: Celery.

Adam: With?

Me: With nut butter. OK? Nut butter.

Adam: HA HA HA.

I could say “almond butter,” but why deprive him of his few joys? He already lives in a household where fruit and vegetables have crowded out cheese in the fridge. He deserves a few laughs.

Anyway, the traveling thing. I realized I was actually really nervous about it, which is totally counterproductive on a diet that revolves around managing your hormones. I had this picture of me getting on board the train with a stealthy bag of nuts (NUTS) and an open-faced sandwich, which I would then proceed to spill all over myself.

Then it occurred to me that I could just pack tubs of things, and be that person who brings her own real fork on the train. I’m leaving from Penn Station, so it’s not like I’ll be the weirdest person on the train. One time, when I still took the Chinatown bus (before it exploded and was cancelled forever) a lady smiled at me, reached into her backpack, and pulled out a live kitten, which she proceeded to shake in my face like a maraca. You see some weird shit traveling out of New York, is what I’m saying. My hummus will be the least of anyone’s problems.

Anyone else traveled on this diet yet? I’m especially curious how people manage on planes. At this point, I’d be tempted to try a doctor’s note:

“Please allow this woman to bring her nuts on board. She is medically pudgy and needs to eat every two hours to lose weight. Believe me, I know it’s counter-intuitive. Love, Jen’s Doctor.”

Image: Rune T/Flickr