100 Crazy-Making Things, #100: No Ketchup

A brief explanation is in order: The other day, I was thinking about the fact that I don’t really post anymore. I realized that this is because I don’t really have that much to say – or rather, that I don’t feel as sharesies with my personal life as I used to, way back in the Pleistocene era (2003.) The obvious solution was to make a list of 100 purely trivial things that drive me crazy, and write a post about each. Because we wouldn’t have an internet if people didn’t need porn and an outlet for their complaints. This is the first post.

This morning, Starbucks proved to me that they’re trying to send me to the funny farm once and for all. And don’t worry, I’m not going to get all late-90s comedian on you and start whining about how the names are weird and the orders are complicated and it’s darn expensive, etc and so on.

No, my issue with Starbucks is that they don’t seem to believe in condiments. They have them, but they won’t give them out, at least at my local store, no matter how you beg and plead.

With this in mind, I’d like to present you with a short play based on my experience this morning.

ME: I’d like a spinach wrap with ketchup please.


ME: With ketchup.

BARISTA: Uh huh.

ME: (Sigh.)

Some moments later.

BARISTA 2: Are you the spinach wrap?

ME: Yes. With ketchup.

BARISTA 2: (Laughs and walks away.)

ME: (Sighs. Opens bag. No ketchup.) Excuse me…


ME: EXCUSE ME. Sorry. Uh, could I have ketchup?

BARISTA 2: Oh! You want KETCHUP! Sorry, I thought you said extra cheese.

ME: ?

I understand this makes me a small person, but I do believe that this routine, which happens in some variation every time I get breakfast at this particular store, will cause me to lose what’s left of my mind.

Published by Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

I'm a freelance writer and editor.

6 thoughts on “100 Crazy-Making Things, #100: No Ketchup

  1. I ordered one egg on a roll with pepper and ketchup.

    La Bagel dude: one egg

    Me: with ketchup and pepper.

    La Bagel: anything else?

    Me: (thinking: if I tell him, he’ll mess up the main order). No salt on that egg.

    La bagel: what?

    Me: (thinking: it’s over). No salt.

    La bagel: want cheese?

    Me: what? No.


    La Bagel: order up. One egg with bacon.

    Me: I don’t want bacon

    La bagel: you don’t bacon?

    Me: no.

    La bagel: huh.

    If I order the coffee at the same time it’s always wrong.

  2. Better one: come in with a bottle of ketchup, pull it out dramatically when delivered the ketchup-less food, and proceed to (loudly) give a demonstration on the process of adding ketchup to food. Far more fun than abandoning the field to their idiocy.

  3. I always get my orders screwed up, I expect it. I’m the type of person who orders things plain, and then they put a bunch of crap on and I gotta scrape it off with a fry or something. Story of my life!

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