I’m Writing This at 5:34 a.m.

Because I can’t sleep, due to the fact that my feet and legs feel like they’ve been beaten with something metal and cruel, like perhaps an egg beater – with spikes.

My legs feel this way because, due to the fact that I am a jackass, I locked myself out of my new apartment and was forced to run 22 blocks (round trip) in my socks to my old apartment to get keys and to tell Adam that, in fact, Time Warner will never install cable for me, because they are hateful and probably also misogynistic. I’m not totally sure about that last one, but I will say that they took Adam much more seriously than they took me, and I’m sick of it. Also, my feet now have AIDs from nearly touching the pavement. There will be a fundraising dinner for them at some point soon.

So I write this to you over stolen internet, and anyone who doesn’t like it can bite me. I can’t wait to go to court, look the judge in the eye and say, “Tell me, your honor. Have you ever tried to get internet hooked up in Brooklyn?”

I have moved, by the way. Virtual housewarming hurrah and all that. Fudge.

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