So! Birthday

It took me three days to feel human again after my birthday, which is, of course, a sign that things went well.

At least 30 people showed up. I think. At one point, I decided that everyone in the bar had obviously come for my birthday and my birthday only, and inflated the number whenever anyone asked.

Guest:
Wow, what a turn out! How many people came?

Me: At least 50.

(An hour later.)

Different Guest: Man, a lotta people here. How many, d’you think?

Me:
AT LEAST 200. TWO-HUNDRED, DO YOU HEAR? FOR I AM POPULAR, AND BELOVED.

The best part about your birthday is, you get to be obnoxious. For example, my friend JoJo was ahead of me in line for the ladies room. Just as she went in, her friend Dan swooped up and went in with her. Later I discovered that he had been doing that all night, and peeing in the sink, which is nasty. At the time, though, all I knew was that my peeing was going to be delayed.

So, what did I do? I banged on the door as loudly at possible, up high, so as to mimic a bouncer type. And then, when Dan opened the door, I grabbed him by his collar and threw him into the hall.

“That’s the ladies room,” I said. “Are you a lady?”

“That is so uncool!” Dan said. “You just lost so many coolness points!”

“Are you the arbiter of that?”

“I hope you never get laid again!” And then he stomped off in a huff.

I got to pee, though. And the other ladies on line became my new best friends!

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2 thoughts on “So! Birthday

  1. Whoever said that humorless urination was a victimless crime never met Sgt. Joe F. Smashtastic and her pee-liloquiy:

    “Now you listen to me, Mister. I’m out here everyday, and sure, I see things, things that make your head spin. Yea, I wear a badge. But badge or no badge, a man pees where MEN pee. Got me? Don’t give me any of this New Age unisex lip. When you have to wipe some girl’s puke off your shoes after she loses it due to a combination of Jell-O shots, waiting in line and finding the tell tale signs of piss’n da sink, then Mister, THEN can you tell me how to do my job.”

    –Taupey Gannon, just the facts.

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