Jennie Smash

By

Jen Hubley Luckwaldt

·

Residents of the LES, I Have Your Solution

Since I’ve moved in, I’ve discovered that many residents of the Lower East Side pay for their prime placement, as I do, in inconveniences like broken front doors. Apparently, it’s not enough that we pay more than our parents’ mortage to live in a shoebox near a decent bar. No, we are also required to…

Since I’ve moved in, I’ve discovered that many residents of the Lower East Side pay for their prime placement, as I do, in inconveniences like broken front doors. Apparently, it’s not enough that we pay more than our parents’ mortage to live in a shoebox near a decent bar. No, we are also required to endure small inconveniences like, say, hobos letting themselves into our foyer and taking a copious poo in front of the buzzer.

If you’re suffering from a broken front door, say I offer a recommendation? Pull down your pants right now and take a dump by the mailboxes. This is the only way to get your front door fixed. Shortly after the Incident of Hobo Bowel Evacuation, I came home to find the following note on my front door:

DO NOT FORSE (sic) LOCK
DOOR IS FIXED
USE KEY OR RING BELL

Ha! Ha ha ha ha. I only asked six times. The lesson here? A pile of poo is worth a thousand words. Thank you, Hobo Superman!

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Responses to “Residents of the LES, I Have Your Solution”

  1. Anonymous

    Ok,that is really disgusting. You can’t get your door fixed until hobo poo happens!!! Ma Smash is going to stalk the corporation that owns your building, go to the front lobby, drop her capacious bloomers, and let her rip. And before I leave they had better be able to spell “force.”
    Love from your own Ma Smash

    Reply
  2. Anonymous

    I don’t even want to think about the ‘got lemons? make lemonade’ analogy…

    Reply
  3. jayman

    Now you know the magic secret. From now on, the next time you need something fixed in your apartment you know how to go about it.

    Stove won’t light? Drop a load on there. Floor squeaks? Big ol’ pile of poo oughta get him on it. Toilent won’t stop running? Drop the Cosbys in there. Well, that last one probably wouldn’t work so well… but you get the point.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Hobo’s are the charming and amusing street people from the depression. What you’re talking about are bums.

    Reply
  5. Megs

    Cosbys???

    Reply
  6. jayman

    “Dropping the Cosby’s at (or in) the pool” … a euphemism for taking a shit. I have no idea where it came from originally but a friend of mine is quite sensitive about that subject and this is the only expression she will use.

    p.s. jyman spel gud. “Toilent green is PEOPLE!!”

    Reply
  7. Nick

    Jayman, if your friend is sensitive, why would she choose to use a racist slur as a euphemism for taking a shit?

    Reply
  8. Anonymous

    It’s “drop the Cosby Kids off at the pool.” Referring to a collection of brown and blackish things of various shapes and sizes beign deposited in water. No doubt Bill himself would laugh his ass off at that one.

    Poor jennismash had a real “Fat Albert” smeared upon her vestibule floor.

    Reply
  9. gurgly

    Brilliant strategy! I’ve learned that another good way to get a broken front door fixed is for someone to break into your apartment and steal all your stuff.

    Reply
  10. Gorgonzola

    My apartment was door broke once. Thieves snuck in and stole my computer and three DVDs: Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Dumb & Dumber, and Bull Durham. The cops didn't believe the DVDs were stolen. But I KNEW.

    Reply

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